DAS CAPITAL

The Secret - A Replug

2012-01-27T11:54:00.001+05:30

This was posted by me in March'2010 while I was in college. And then was written regarding the rather mundane matters of "mass bunking" of college class. And today in reference to the Salman Rushdie episode, I just found it fit to re plug it.

The majority thinks that it is the majority who do not want to attend the class. So the majority decide not to attend the classes. But it is actually the minority who convinces the majority that it is the majority who does not want to attend the classes since the majority have already conceded for the absence from classes, the majority should also follow the majority. But the majority who wants to attend the classes is told by the minority that since the majority do not want to attend the classes, they should not break the majority by attending the classes. The problem is that majority is major in numbers , but is always found in fragments and doesn’t ever get to know what the majority thinks. So the minority manages to convince the majority that the majority is not going to attend the classes because that is the will of the majority and if majority goes otherwise, it will break up the unity of the majority and then the majority will turn into a minority . So, the class is not held coz the majority thinks that the majority does not want to attend the classes, and in the end, the minority manages to prevent the class from being held. By the time the bluff is called , the class is well over and if they get time majority might have a serious thought of renaming themselves “herds” , but just then another class is to take place and minority again springs up.....

That is how we bunk our classes, and more. Confusing , but sadly, true.

The Leap Of Faith

2012-01-05T23:15:00.000+05:30

The idea gets planted in your head. You watch some videos on the internet. You feel excited and afraid. To lower the anxiety, you watch more videos with palaces having a higher jump. You kid yourself into believing that since places with a higher jump exist, this will be like swatting a fly. But you forget that jumping from a height of 83m and 266m will have the same effect if things go wrong. You will die.

You watch some more videos. But the 2D videos characteristically lack the “depth”. They play Schadenfreude with you. They take you into the comfort of excitement.

Finally, you get to the bridge. The jumping platform is still some distance away. You tell yourself that you will live. After all more than 2000 people have taken the leap of faith from here. No one has ever died. But a tiny-tweeny voice inside your head tells you that there is always the first time and there is always the last time.

You get to the jumping platform. You think that you are mentally prepared. Since the time you watched the videos- that is 5 days back- 70% of the time has been spent preparing for this moment. You think that you will do it. You get to the edge of the platform.

Suddenly something snaps. You realise that for all your preparation for the moment you will do it, nothing can prepare you for that inevitable moment when you don’t want to do it. When you just want to take off that harness and run away from the platform. For once, you are ready for the life to call you a loser.

You then try to fix your eyes to a different spot. The one level with them. But your eyes don’t want to cheat your mind. You keep looking down.

The harness tying you to the platform is taken off. You can’t see the rope. It is at the back. You feel that you are all alone. The trainer talks to you, trying to soothe you down. You are hearing every word he is saying, but you aren’t listening. Before you realise, the excitement is gone. You are sacred now. Shit scared.

You drag yourself to the platform. You are looking down. The trainer asks you to look up. But as I said before, you aren’t listening. A voice comes.

3…..2…..1…..

You Jump…..

Time stops……

The world ceases to exist….

And the rest, as they say, is THE MEMORY.

BJP :What it should do, but it won't.

2011-12-30T16:54:00.002+05:30

(This post was written around 15 days back. Before Anna was finally told to shut up by both the Public and the Law of the land, and before Congress had pulled off a potential political masterstroke by pushing a weak Lokpal through Parliament. If it had passed, the credit was of Congress' and since it failed, it can conveniently blame BJP for it. But still I feel that this post might have some relevance.)

Bjp as a political opponent often tries to dig a hole for Congress. Now, all the opposition parties world over try to do the same. Where BJP is different is that BJP keeps jumping into the same hole before Congress even gets a chance to do so.

It did so during the nuclear deal issue just before the 2004 general elections, did the same in 2004 general elections, repeated in 2009 , during the FDI debate and to put it concisely, several times during the history. And it does nothing to convince me that it will not do the same in 2012 elections. It painted a rosy picture in 2004, something common person could not identify with. In 2009 it bitterly opposed a nuclear bill which was set into motion by its very own government back during 1999-2004. And then it launched an even bitterer, personal attack on a person whose honesty and integrity back then was considered sacrosanct. Moreover recently it stalled the functioning of the parliament over over a bill which proposed introduction of FDI of 51% in retail. While it was not a particularly bright move from Congress who itself had stalled reforms throughout 2004-till date , BJP had actually supported 100 % FDI while it was in government and had proposed introduction of 26% FDI in retail in its 2004 election manifesto. What was even more puzzling, as many other experts noted as well was that after 7 days in which BJP did not allow Parliament to function, when it finally did, Shushma Swaraj blasted the government in a calculated, voluble and scathing speech. I mean , what is the point of shouting in streets, when you can give a more purposeful shout in Parliament where it all matters? For all its political inconsistency, occasional hooliganism and frequent vandalism, BJP possesses much powerful orators than the ruling coalition. Yet it often deprives itself of the chances to best use them. That is why I say that it keeps jumping in the hole.

Sometimes it jumps into the hole to dig it further and then finds that there is no way out of it as it did in 2009. All it had to do was attack a policy-paralysed, left-stricken government and it failed spectacularly. And the less said about the manner in which it has handled the Anna “movement”, the better. Completely marginalised in a straight confrontation between the Congress and Anna , it could never decide and still has not that which part of the fence it wishes to stand on. Of course, with the brain freeze it is frequently prone to , it could never envisage that a middle path could exist. But this post is not about Anna and his shenanigan , but about how BJP in 2009 erred and why it will repeat that in 2014. Because the situation is the same in certain respects. BJP did not have a clear leader then and does not have one now and will find very difficult to find one in 2014. And though the Congress is in a much bigger mess now that it was in 2009 when the mess was not visible, the next elections are due in 2014, by which time the public memory can forget an entire war, let alone something stupidly called “Second Freedom Movement”. And that is what is worrisome. BJP has never been the one to learn from its mistakes. Actually no political party in India is such.

A big mistake BJP committed in 2009 was that it sort of projected a 82 year old Lal Krishna Advani as it PM candidate. Sort of because later YashwantSinha projected Narendra Modi as PM candidate. By having Advani , BJP alienated two class of voters- the young , urban voter (those who vote), and the Muslims. And then by proposing Narendra Modi as candidate , it drove Muslims away in flocks not only from itself , but from the entire NDA. BJP thinks that the lack of the Muslim votes can be offset by the majority of Hindus that live in India. But it forgets the fact that majority in India are Hindus, not fanatics and we are relatively comfortable with Muslims living with us. Further nobody likes to believe in somebody who says that handing over of 3 terrorists in IC 814 Kandhar case happenedwithout his knowledge while he was the Home Minister . So, that cancels two of them. . Shushma Swaraj and Arun Jaitley cancel each other. They wont let each other be the PM. Some like Pramod Mahajan and Sahib Singh Verma have died. So who does that leave? Actually, we might be close to seeing Mayawati’s dream of becoming PM of India being realised sooner that what we thought. Given the fickle nature of Indian political parties and Congress’ public anti-BSP stance for now, it might well be possible. So, what can BJP do to save the tiger from being replaced as national animal by the elephant? Just look a little further east for its search for the next PM candidate. Actually no further than Nitish Kumar.

Now, there are two kinds of people in this world. One who understand economics and the others who don’t (Like me). Those who don’t understand economics are fed up of this Congress government over the humongous amount of corruption it has perpetrated. Those who understand economics realise that the corruption is just a trivial matter in front of the grave policy lacunae afflicting the government and the nation. During the 2004-09 term , it could blame the Left for the vacuum, but thereafter it had only itself to blame. Actually historically Congress has never been much reform minded. Indira’s “Garibi Hatao” significantly bent the back of the Indian economy and even 1991 reforms were brought about under significant pressure from the World Bank and IMF when the government realised that it didn’t even have sufficient foreign reservesfor 15 days of imports . The problem with Congress’ populist measures right from “Garibi Hatao” days to NREGA to the recent food security bill has been that always it has sought to redistribute wealth without caring for additional generation of resources. It has only given rise to inflation, not poverty alleviation.

Sorry for digressing. Now coming back to Nitish Kumar, he is the exact antithesis of two things this Congress Government has come to represent – Corruption and Inaction. One can argue that Manmohan Singh is as honest a person as Nitish Kumar, but Nitish Kumar has been much more successful in keeping other around him honest as well. Secondly, he has taken Bihar from a land of buffalos, scams and caste massacres to the state with the second highest growth rate in India. As reflected in the last sentence, the denominator Nitish Kumar had to work at was comparatively low, but still it has been a significant achievement. But, still BJP obviously will not have him as its PM candidate as he is not from BJP, but JD (U). In India, political appointments are not made by cutting across the party lines. If that were the case, Atal Bihari Vajpayee would have been the External Affairs Minister in Indira Gandhi regime and Manmohan Singh the Finance Minister during NDA rule. But that simply doesn’t happen. Also, JD (U) is far less pushy , far too regional and far too unlike BSP to push for one of their own to be the Prime Minister.

So finally we have these four scenarios –said so for the want of a better word - which might be at hand in 2014 elections, though it is too early to call yet.

1. Congress . Given its track record of the last 8 years, beleaguered, the extent of which might not be very publically visible and hoping to survive due to this.

2. BJP. Granting Congress its very wish by messing up again. Actually sometimes it seems to me that it is ironically what a leaked Wikileaks cable described Sonia Gandhi as – “She never misses an opportunity to miss an opportunity.”

3. A so called “civil society” which will most probably go on campaigning against Congress in most states including places like Karnataka which has a very corrupt BJP government in place. And it will have people believe that Politicians are the most evil of the species who ought not to exist in a country like ours. The only problem is that India happens to be a democracy and then fail to realise that in a democracy, come what may, always it will be a politician who will be the most powerful. The "Civil Society" will also fail to realise that in a democracy, our best chance is not some quasi-powerful or all powerful body like Lokpal, but to have honest, efficient and responsible people in our political setup. We simply need a better set of politicians. As we do not have much choice there. But this "Civil Society" will do its best to convince honest, efficient, responsible people that Politicians are hooligans and Politics is not for them, while we need the exact opposite.

4. The general public who will believe in the above mentioned “Civil Society”.

Can't decide which is the worst.

Replug

2011-12-14T22:46:00.000+05:30

As I relentlessly hammered in my last post that I was in the organising team of the Annual Get-together of my firm and I did nothing, this post is all about the work I did for that. These posters and the write up at the end for some magazine I have no idea about.

The design was not by me, only the words were.

This was entirely done by me.

This was also done by me

The name was suggested by a colleague.

The background was contributed by a colleague, the rest by me. Though the original lines went something like these

“ We still snarl ‘kutte’ to our friends at times,

That hot girl is still ‘Chamiya’ for us,

People with “Thakur” as surnames are still asked for their hands at times.

And still more jokes are made on Sholay that on our politicians.”

And then followed all that is written on the poster. But it all was edited out.

And the write up is

“The evening began with poise and ended with exuberance. In an nutshell, that was the ambience, tone and the general spirit at the annual family night “Spandan’ we had on 26^th of November.

From buffets to drinks, from dancing troupes to employee dance performances, from casino to karaoke, from lucky draw to fashion shows , from musical shows to couple games and from kid games to childhood picture games, we tried to incorporate all. The fact that there was fantastic enthusiasm and participation shown from the employees and their families obviously spiced it all up.

There was a mesmerizing semi classical Indian dance performance by the daughter of one our colleague while another of our colleague chose to partner his son on “Tabla” an Indian percussion instrument to result in an utterly mellifluous ballad. A tiny tot’s dance performance completely belied her age and some of our colleagues who tried to copy her steps are still recovering from cramps!! While a senior colleague chose to remind us of his splendid skills with harmonica, the innovative couple games involved such twists and turns that the participating couples were left exercising those muscles and bones of their bodies they never knew existed.

A family event that it was, it never could have been complete without the involvement of the newest addition to our CH2M HILL family- The Halcrow Group. Several Halcrow employees were also present and delighted us all with their active participation. One of them actually won First Prize in the Fashion Show event. Well Done Sir.

A memorable night was rendered truly momentous with the verve of participation from one and all. It really was a night to dance, jive and feel alive.”

Any creative media agency reading this post and liking it ? Anyone??

Bored Ruminations

2011-12-13T23:16:00.000+05:30

It has been four months since I have been employed. And the only thing I have learnt apart form the fact that you actually wish your colleagues “Happy Weekend” on Fridays is to unlearn the theory that you have to work a lot while you are being employed while I was in college. Well, another thing I have learnt of course is that your supervisor will come to look for you to fill timesheets, to tell you about some non-technical training, asking you about the coming get-together, hand you your termination letter at the exact time on which you will not be present at your “work”place. Ok, he didn’t come to hand me my termination letter, but maybe he did come and didn’t find me anywhere. But Murphy taught us all this years back. Didn’t he? So there goes my chance to “learn” anything because just learnt that before I should have learnt that. Frankly, why are you still reading this post??

And even more frankly, I don’t know why I am writing this post. May be plain boredom at work. F act that I was in the organising team of our Annual Get-together, fiction that I actually helped in that organising. Fact that Internet has now marked my blogspot blog URl as a phishing address, fiction that I actually harboured fishes there. I even deleted the widget “Feed these Fishes”, but to no avail. Fact that I am thinking of buying a personal domain, fiction that I will actually do so. Fact that I am writing something meant to be a blogpost, fiction that I will actually post it. Ok, did you just say that it is not fiction that I will post this as you can read this blogpost. You too are damned bored right now, aren’t you?

So, if you are still with me you may have read that I was in the organising team of the Annual get-together of my firm. Forgive me if I make that sound like organising of Olympics, but still there were lessons to learn it. Like how to shop with ladies. “Shopping”, “Ladies” and “Men” have difficulty in existing together. I knew that beforehand, but I learnt it now. Then naming an event is the most difficult part and you have to start with that. Or that lucky numbers are not really lucky. Actually we had a lucky draw prize based on the coupon numbers allotted with the invitations to employees. Now as the organisers , some of has had first access to the coupons and selected numbers like 123, 111, 013, 007 or like in order to get lucky. But the numbers which won were 072, 078 and we realised that the numbers we thought were lucky were actually only good looking numbers. On second thoughts, 13 x 6 = 78. Now did you tell me to shut up?

Another lesson I learnt was that while expats got to know about the timing of event , 5.30 pm that is by looking at the invitation card and arrive at that time , we Indians never require the invitation card to know about the timing. Like we Indians all arrived at 7.30 and that was the time the event started. Telepathy, anyone?

Also, recently we had a Rewards and Recognition felicitation at our office which is held to reward the outstanding performers of the last 3 months. Only, this time it was a little different. Instead of rewarding people with outstanding work in the last 3 months, the management decided to award everybody who worked in the last 3 months. And the awardees were in total 5 in number.

And at last, as the year draws to a close, it reminds of the number of great people we lost this year. Along with Shammi Kapoor and Dev Anand , the person whose work I liked the most was Shrilal Shukl. And,

मैं श्रीलाल शुक्ल के बारे में कुछ नहीं लिखना चाहूँगा

क्योंकि वो शब्द सूरज को ना सिर्फ दीया, बल्कि माचिस दिखाने के जैसा

होगा, वो भी बुझी हुई माचिस ।

And to conclude , I must admit that I have not seen many movies of either Shammi Kapoor Or Dev Anand, but of all the old songs I love and they are far greater in number than the new ones, I realised few days back that 90% of them star either Shammi Kapoor or Dev Anand. RIP All.

My way or Subway???

2011-10-02T19:19:00.001+05:30

I have gone impolite these days. Just like some say that impossible can be read as I M Possible, I am wondering that if impolite can be read as I M Polite. Actually that was what I was shouting in front of the mirror in the bath room when my reflection shouted back, “impolite” at me and asked me to shut up. Now, if you believe this story to be true, then you are the exact kind of people I love to be reading my blog. Those who will believe anything and everything I say. And trust me , I will behave absolutely the same when I get to your blog as well.

So the other day, I went to a subway outlet. Now if you do not know what a subway outlet is , go and thank whatever God you pray to for your “ignorance”. And to add to that, you shall go to the top right corner of your browser and press that close button. Because I might just describe “Subway” in this post. It will lose me a few readers (if any) , but the greater good, you know and all that . Subway is a place where the idea of making a cool burger is to put in stuff Italian people do not like to eat into ice cold bread loaves. It is a place where you always stand confused on the counter where they ask you to choose between 5 different types of breads , scores of different ingredients and many different sauces and you just cannot decide which combination is likely to be the least worst of all. But this time, well ….

“ Which bread Sir?”

“ Honey Oat please.”

“Sorry Sir, that is not available.”

“Then I will have umm… Italian Herb & Cheese.”

“ Actually even that is not available Sir. Only Parmesan Oregano is available.”

I was stumped.

“Then why did you ask?”

“Sir, because I am asked to ask.”

I wonder whether I have gone impolite or there is something in the whole Subway atmosphere itself.

A question

2011-09-19T12:45:00.002+05:30

The time has gone beyond me ,

The “phoney” conversations now only make me sad

I don’t even wish to turn around time

Can we please put an end to this charade?

Just a passing thought....

Mere Brother Ki Dulhan and My Conundrum

2011-09-18T20:16:00.000+05:30

I am wondering these days whether I can review movies. I have consistently held , even if not in written word in all my posts about everything written being my view, not review. I am not qualified enough to be a critic. Because for one, I liked “Mere Brother Ki dulhan” and loathed “That Girl in yellow Boots.” If I were a critic, the adjectives used for these movies would have been opposite. Or I might have even loved That Girl…. So technically I am not a critic. Taran Adarsh is a critic, because he loved “That Girl in Yellow Boots” and gave it 4 stars. According to him, the finale hit him like a ton of bricks. Everybody I know of who were fateful enough to watch that -yes all three of us- had guessed what the end is going to look like. But then , Taran Adarsh likes anything. He is the antithesis of Devil’s Advocate. He gave “Mere Brother ki Dulhan” 4 stars as well . Actually he gave “Do Knot Disturb” (you remember?) 3.5 stars. Actually Mark Zuckerberg told me that the Facebook like button using which you can like statuses which condole somebody’s death as well was inspired by Taran Adarsh. Actually.. ok you get the point, right?

Sometimes I miss the point of Anuraag Kashyap’s movies. But in “That girl in yellow boots” I missed the whole game. I simply do not want to go to a movie to do brain exercise to deduce the various acts and scenes which are the supposed illustrations of various degrees of subtleties a film maker can achieve . Was the massage parlour symbolising the greasing of palm one is required to do to get every governmental job done? Was the constant chattering of the owner of the parlour a connotation for the constant din in the protagonist’s life? Did the character of Naseeruddin Shah typified the father Ruth never had? Did the yellow boots symbolise…Oh leave it. Did the yellow boots symbolise anything at all? I don’t want to find out. I wanted to get entertained when I spend my 200 bucks, which did not happen. I can find numerous “Find the difference” and “Find the similarities” games on internet for free. And in my honest opinion, Kalki is not that fine an actress either as she is touted to be. Does acting only comprise of a grim mood, dark environment, shrieks, and hysterics? I am no fan of acting of Katrina Kaif, but for me she was good in MBKD. She gave good expressions importantly at the right times, rolled her eyes well and conveyed appropriate amount of devilry through them. I never imagined that I will ever write such lines for Katrina, but she was good. But still she has been panned by critics. Guess that is what it takes to be a critic. The usual reaction “That girl in yellow boots” elicits is that of shock. I mean that is what I have been told. And I wonder what is so shocking about it. Is it child molestation or incest? Now, do we need a movie to tell us that these exist in reality? So, why seeing reality on the big screen shocks them? Is it because anytime we go to see a movie, they expect to see escapist cinema? Then why does watching something like “Mere Brother Ki dulhan” which is escapist cinema at its core disappoints them? And if they do not expect that, why get shocked at seeing something like “That Girl In yellow Boots” ? I do not expect to get answers. May be it is the taste thing. Rom-coms are anyway panned universally by critics with rare exceptions. But then , why would someone go to a romcom expecting to be shocked? Or expect that one will have anything different from a “run –of-the-mill” good ending? Or expect that if two people are protagonists, somehow they will not end up together just to provide a different ending? Now did anyone really expect Katrina Kaif to get hitched to Ali Zafar movie when Imran Khan with all his Bollywood connection is lurking around? Really? But for me , I do not go to watch movies for the sole purpose of expecting to get shocked. Better I will sit at home and search YouTube for shocking videos instead. I go to get entertained. Simply put, MBKD with all its flaws, entertained me . That girl in Yellow Boots didn’t despite it’s several subtleties which the critics regularly found orgasmic. Besides what was left in That girl in Yellow Boots if you could guess the end and take away the “shock” as happened to me , is pretty much still unclear to me. Was it this trailer which is doing the rounds these days? Ch***yappa and handshake? Please don’t tell me that this trailer has not been released just to lure the so- called “ front benchers” using lewd gestures and slang language. If that is the truth, then why carry the pretence of being an off-beat, classy movie?

Phew… Ok, enough of ranting now. Now did I give you the impression that MBKD is a hugely entertaining, sugar-sweet, “Four Wedding and a Funeral-esque” funny movie which attains the climactic heights any romcom can aspire to get to ? No, it is not surely. It is actually a silly movie actually. So silly that it shows BEST buses outside IGI Airport , Delhi. Actually it was more silly that Billy trying to do a wheelie in the rush hour traffic in apni Dilli and it is more clichéd than the word “Clichéd” has becomes a cliché to describe romcom movies. And the movie is more silly than the last sentence I framed. It has the leading pair who on the account of their last few misadventures are quite proven to be incapable of acting. And if it was not enough, there is John Abraham as well for a quick dekko with his non-existent expressions. I have a theory regarding why Bipasha dumped him. Because he couldn’t “express” his love for her. It has Imran khan , who had he been an animal would have had 4 left feet trying to “ape” the dance steps of the three Khans. Now that is only possible if one Khan is your Uncle and you can be relatively assured that he will not sue you for doing that. Now , what is stopping the other two Khans from suing him, I don’t know. They have a camp right in front of The Tajmahal . Surely, Mayawati will want to know more about that. May be we will se a 5 star hotel in just that place in the coming days. And if you want to do better video calls than as those shown in Reliance ads, you should consider acting in movies. I have always doubted Reliance’s ability to deliver but this movie removes all doubts that the best video calls happen in movies and movies only. And that is about its silliness. Additionally it is clichéd at innumerable places.

But you will enjoy the movie if you expect beforehand that it is going to be silly and clichéd like all romantic movies are. I mean which is the last actress you remember who married a books store owner in reality? But that did not stop Notting Hill from being what it was. Love Actually was actually full of stupidity. But it was also full of love. They were good because they made you feel good and they were not bad just because they were stupid and clichéd. Mere brother Ki Dulhan does that, though to only an extent. But then that is why it is not Notting Hill or Love Actually. But who says that film making can only be Sholay on one side and RGV ki Aag on other?

Pehli Salary

2011-08-15T22:24:00.001+05:30

“Pehli salary badi kamini cheez hoti hai"

It makes you happy. It is beyond anything you have ever experienced. You suddenly want to buy things. Anything. Just go buy it. In my case the day I got my first salary, I wanted to buy even those shirts on the footpath which you get at the rate of 1 for 100 bucks. But that is the story of only the first day. Very soon you realise that you can you have more than peanuts in your pocket and you can actually afford a shirt which costs 1 for 1000 bucks. And then gradually you come to know that not only that, you can also afford a gamepad which cost 1500 though earlier the one costing 150 used to be good enough. And then you aspire for a Xbox itself. Then may be a bike , the aspiration of which will soon turn into the one for a car. And all this khyali pulao takes place within two to three days of receiving your first salary. Just deep within you know that you can actually have all those aspirations. And then before you know , all the money is spent. It just vanishes. And then the wish gets changed. The wish becomes a wait. Wait for the next salary. In other words you start aspiring for money. That is why , “ Pehli salary badi kamini cheez hoti hai.”

It makes you love money and disrespect it at the same time. You want to buy the world with it and yet want to lock it in a case and throw the key in a pond. It suddenly makes you aware of the capabilities of money. And that is worse than a lot of bad things you can ever think of. That is why , “ Pehli salary badi kamini cheez hoti hai.”

MY DADIMA

2011-07-31T19:42:00.001+05:30

(Today is my Grandmother's (Dadima) 5th barsi. I wrote this shortly after her death. I don't know what made me post this today. But just posting it.
P.S- I dont remember what actually was the "it" that follows)

It brought flushing inside me memories of my own grandmother, dadima to us. Sometimes it seems that she is just beside me , sometimes it seems it had been ages since she called my name . The funy thing death is , gives every moment of introspection a dual personality.

Dadima was a deeply religious person , as all the woman of her age generally are. She never had a very happy life- getting widowed at an age of 29. But still she had a amajing rock of belief in almighty. But what amazes me even more is that why I was able to see these things only after she died. She was so religious that once we tried to tell her that man has reached moon , she said that god lives there and flatly refused to believe that any mortal can intrude his abode. Life was going on and she was just like any other member of my family like my parents or my sister. I did not share any special bonding with her as a lot of people do with their grandparents. But then , she died. Dadima just passed away.

Is was not as if she died all of a sudden . She had been suffering from cancer for 2 years . But somehow it made the inevitability of death strike me . And ironically , life around me changed its meaning for me . Life around me became special from being routine. Earlier, my parents were too by the way for me , they were there because they were meant to be there, but now they are a gift , because ther are with me . Funnily enough it took a death to realise me that. Earlier a seat in bus was too precious ; Now every lady is like dadima. Earlier if a friend broke my heart, I wouldn’t have given a damn , now it cries for reversal of time . Probably, that feeling of loss is etched upon. Saying sorry has become easier , because I have realised that there are far more important things in life than one’s ego and certainly far worse thngs than having it damaged. Earlier friends were routine , they were there because they probably needed me. Now every moment with them is to be cherished , because at some other time , they might not be there. The feeling of being with loved ones has changed its complexion , because tomorrow I might be far away , left with only memories and , memories never suffice. Loss is inevitable , just that notion of bidding adieu has changed. And I thank my dadima for that.

Sonetimes , I think that how crass I have been for a death to make me realise that. But come to think of it, if instead my neighbour’s aunt would have died , would that have made any difference to me ? Never , though I would readily pray hundred times a day for my dadima to make her come back if I could. It just makes me realise that though I never stopped to think of whether I loved her , I probably did, a lot actually, enough to make me love everyone with life . If she is reading this somehow, from any where Dadima, probably , she would understand a lot of things left unsaid. Because that was what she always was. Ethereal in life , larger than life in death . My Dadima.

Best of Bollywod in 2010 (according to me , of course)

2011-01-07T19:14:00.002+05:30

Top 10 Movies :-

10 ) Rajneeti :-

I still vividly remember the sense of anticipation and excitement Rajneeti left me with at the interval. But by the time movie had veered towards it culmination , I had well realised that that feeling was not to some directorial brilliance or some moving acting skill. It was because the first half was primarily based on two of the most dramatic and stirring books I have come across –Godfather and The Mahabharata. It just was the book which was rubbing off on the movie. Nevertheless, it still could have ended up quite poorly. For the fact that it ended up being palatable , it makes my top 10.

9 ) Peepli Live :-

In a lot of lists , this flick figures way up. Not in mine though. May be I have not watched as much “world cinema” to earn my stripes. Or, just because this is India’s Oscar entry, it should figure way up. May be to my non-intellectual mind , some metaphors still seem more like jargons. Whatever, but for me its humour originated from some crass abusive lines, which somehow did not go well for me. It somehow seemed an extension of Slumdog Millionaire to me. And I did not have a very good opinion about Slumdog either. But Peepli scored because it projected that message well which it set out to. That of a farming not being a lucrative livelihood option for many in several parts of India. Add to that some believable performance coupled with some really good characters, made Peepli a decent watch.

8) Rann :-

By now, I have glossed over around 6-7 lists on the net similar to mine and nowhere I could find a mention of Rann. Don’t know why, coz it was released in 2010. 29^th January, to be precise. Some called it ill-researched. Wonder what they had to say about Slumdog Millionaire. Well, ill researched in my book is as bad as half-baked research. Rann was irritating at points but all RGV movies are irritating at points. But, at points it was brilliant too, as again all RGV movies are . But what puts it into 8^th position for me was that the brilliant points comfortably outnumbered the irritating points.

7) Dabangg:-

Kamal Karte ho Sir jee. Dabangg ko hi bhool gaye ??

Dabangg and Wanted have been probably the least pretentious movies of the Bollywood so far. What you see is what you get. You can love it or hate it . But then there are millions of Salman fans out there who can only love a movie which is full of Salman. It was polar opposite of something like Tere Bin Laden (yes, I am classifying Dabangg as comedy), but still quite a joy ride. And then there was Sonakshi. Well, I repeat that I am still wondering that how do these macho men of yesteryears like Shatrughan Sinha and Anil Kapoor keep producing such beautiful daughters.

6) Ishqiya :-

After I came out of the theatre, if somebody had told me that it would find 6^th place in my year end list, I would have gone , “Naah… 9^th or 10^th may be, if we are unlucky for the rest of the year.” That it comes at No.6 is a proof of the absolute drivel Bollywood has served us all year. But let that not take anything away from the movie Ishqiya was. Three things pulled it into top 10. Dialogues which were both crackling and cracking as if written after having smoked Charas, Vidya Balan and Dil To Bachha Hai Ji. Add to that an opening disclaimer which actually claimed that the movie is “almost” fictitious. All that was enough to make Ishqiya pull its weight in what has been a largely barren year for Hindi Cinema.

5) Phas Gaye Re Obama :-

The only thing I did not understand about this movie was what Obama was doing in its title. Some sort of metaphor , may be. Or it was just destined for me that Obama and Osama will rule this year’s comedy scene. Farah Khan , please watch this. This is how you pull of a heist. Akshay Kumar, please watch this. This is how you make people laugh. And everybody, please watch this. Because, it deserves to be watched. And yes , please ignore Neha Dhupiya. She is just there to reiterate the fact that nothing can be perfect.

4) Udaan :-

A father like Ronit Roy was not the only thing unbelievable about this. Add to that a plot set in Jamshedpur which has only two things- TATA and XLRI, the younger cast all of which were completely unknown except Manjot Singh (Young Lucky In Oye Lucky Lucky Oye) who got all together a screen space of 10 minutes. And a screenplay if called rebellious will probably be the understatement of the decade. To put it in perspective , one senior person I know termed the movie malicious , misguiding, disrespectful and a stigma to our culture if viewed widely. But at the end of the day Udaan emphatically proved that any movie which is made with its heart in the right place, strikes the right chords. One thing which struck me throughout the movie was its innocence. Be it the protagonist Rohan, his cute younger brother, his Uncle when he is accused by his father to be a “fat loser”, even the scene where Ronit Roy asks his son to smoke in front of him and to top it all the scene where a drunk father explains to his son that he actually did visit him once only to back off because without him he looked happy. Precious.

3) Tere Bin Laden:-

Set in Karachi, Pakistan . Isn’t that is the country which perpetuated 26/11 ?? Starring Ali Zafar , again from Pakistan. Sorry, but Ali Zafar, WHO??? And with the theme as the world’s most wanted terrorist , Osama. A Bollywood movie made on these!!! Chances it being liked ?? Hahahaha!!!! But not quite sir, and thanks heavens that movie making is not quite politics. I liked Main Hoon Na, Heyy Baby and Golmaal 1 . But this movie and Phas gaya re Obama proved that subtlety lasts and only subtlety lasts. In a year when some “comedies”, if you can call them that, almost wanted to smack your head , pierce open your eyes and tear open your jaw while employing these very antics in order to “ order” you two laugh, these two almost gave you democratic choices . Not that it mattered anyway. Armed with a super script and brilliant acting, this movie showcased that Osama can be adorable , cute and amazingly funny.

2) Love, Sex aur Dhokha

To put it simply , Dibakar Banarjee is the best director we have in film industry. Because, I simply refuse to believe that any other director could have picked a motley bunch of people and turn them into the most impressive ensemble cast of the year. And I simply refuse to believe that any other director could have extracted such level of performance from everyone in a cast the names of any of whom have never been heard before. And I refuse to believe that any other director could have made a movie which ends so haphazardly but still leaves not even an iota of inadequacy in viewer’s mind. And I simply refuse to believe that any other director could take shock, shock and shock and then term it Love, Sex and Dhokha and all the while make the translation entirely plausible. And I simply refuse to believe that any other director could have made Ekta Kapoor produce a film which has no cruel Saas, but a brutal Sasur. And , to put it simply, I simply refuse to believe that anybody but Dibakar Banarjee could have made this film

1) Band Baaja Baarat:-

There will be people who might take it as a reflection of the poor year that the Bollywood had in 2010 that a flick like Band Baaja Baarat is at the top of the table. But if I am asked to compile a list of best rom-coms of Bollywood in past 25 years, this movie will surely find a place in top 3. A good rom-com should leave you with happiness in your heart and smile on your lips. This surely did that and more. It filled you with hope after TMK and Ravan that good writers are not yet dead in Bollywood. It made you believe that for making an authentic movie on a city , you do not have to be some Danny Boyle descended from wherever to research on our own place to show us that how shitty and bad our own country is . If you want to make a movie on Delhi, having a proper dilli ka dil in the right place will do wonders. It made me wide eyed that Anushka Sharma can actually act. And it made me shrug the notion that only Hugh Grant or Hugh Grant- ish actors can light up a rom com . A Ranveer Singh who at the first glance looked like an ordinary lampat Jatt ready for a fisticuff can prove to be a worthy match , if not better. And it did all that while having and letting us all have some good old fashioned our own Mauj.

Awesome Mention Of the Year:-

Tees Maar Khan:-

It was such an awesome movie that all theatres , awesome or not raised their ticket prices to awesome levels. And I was such an awesome fellow that I spent an awesome amount of money, patience and guts to watch this awesomely awesome film. Just imagine , what can be more awesome to have every character in the movie awesomely copy bonafide awesome antics of awesome Akshay Kumar.

Top 10 Songs :-

10) Lehrein ( Aisha) :- A beautiful song which again emphasised to me that Javed Akhtar , if and when he wants can be a brilliant writer, though that sadly is not always is the case.

9) Des Mera ( Peepli Live) :- Though Mehangayi Dayan garnered more publicity , I could hardly see how it actually fitted in the premise of the movie and ultimately that song seemed to be included for just that , to garner publicity. On the other hand , for a change Indian Ocean came up with an upbeat song. And they were just as good with this as well.

8) Main Jiyoonga (Break Ke Baad) :- A vastly underrated song , it shared the same fate as the whole album did. But the lyrics were apt , music good. A tragedy that the song was not included in the movie as the movie had a plot which was perfect for this song.

7) Tum Jo Aaye ( Once upon a time in Mumbai) :- It was more a case of selecting one song out of the best album of the year than anything else. And I go with this . The Rahat Fateh Ali Khan version to be precise.

6) Jaane Kiske Khwaab (Guzaarish) :- For me , the best song to paint an appropriate picture of what the movie is going to be like.

5) Surili Ankhiyoin Waale (Veer):- The only good thing about Veer was that this song featured thrice in the movie. In full.

4) I am in love (OUATIM) :- One song out of OUATIM was never going to be enough. It was too good an album for that.

3) Naav Chadhti ( Udaan) :- The most inspiring song of the year. Enough said.

2) Dil To Bachha hai Jee (Ishqiya) :- The list could not possibly have been complete without Gulzaar coming into it , isn’t it? This song had the most simple , most striking , and the most identifiable lyrics and was one for the ages.

1) Shaam (Aisha) :- The most soothing, most sweet and the most serene song to come out of Bollywood in may be last 5 years. It was.

Top 5 Albums:-

1) Once upon a time in Mumbai :- Even a song like Baburao made perfect sense in the movie.

2) Aisha :- One song was crap, one was so so , but rest three were so good that the album is right up there.

3) Guzaarish :- It is the best album you can find to listen in a particular mood and in particular setting. To find out which mood and setting I am talking about, you have to listen toi the album.

4) Udaan :- The movie was different . The music was no different.

5) Break ke Baad :- All the songs were similar in mood , even the sad ones. But I am not complaining now.

Special Mention :-

Cinematography in Ravan :-

I was ready to watch this, yes this piece of absolute drivel for a second time just to see the scenes once again. The work of Santosh Sivan and V. Manikandan was cinematographic orgasm unfolding on screen.

Happy New Year to all. And here is just wishing that this New Year is good for Bollywood too. It did not have even an average 2010 which made our year a bit less good in its own way. Cheers…

Kya Karein Kya Na Karein

2010-12-21T13:05:00.001+05:30

What will I do now,

That I have a two month off…

I might not go home,

I might have to stay here alone,

But that option might not have so brightly shone,

had the battle been already won.

Or I might just get some games,

And then when I get rejected for job again ,

I make an excuse so lame ,

That I failed coz I was playing games.

Or then , I might just go home ,

Have a fish fry and them some ,

And then wonder,

Home rhymes with foam

Some rhymes with hum

But home spells like hum

But some doesn’t even spell like foam

And then some rhymes with come

And come spells like some

And come rhymes like some too.

And then give up,

Like the reader might have already .

And think that whoever invented English ,

might have been a bastard and shady.

Or I might just stay here,

Lonely strolling through lonely corridors .

When those who are left ,

Talk to their girlfriends,

Or they study for placements,

Or they watch some good movies and some shady ones ,

Behind their closed doors.

Or then plan a trip with my friends,

Ask my parents , reason with them ,

So that they might not refuse.

And then argue with friends,

Hullabaloo to decide ,

That one so usually makes.

And then suddenly pullout,

Making one of the silliest of excuses.

Why?? I know not, for my thought process is so complex.

Or I might go and stand against a mirror,

And try to simulate an interview,

Think what I did wrong earlier,

And try to think of a strategy which might be new.

And then again having been rejected,

Sometimes expected and sometimes out of the blue.

Trying to hide fear in heart and tears in eyes,

Trying to be nonchalant but deep inside dejected,

And ponder for hours , that now what to do ??

And then finally think to show off

Like going to an interview late

And then saying ,

“Sorry Sir, I am a bit of a procrastinate .”

But then realising that the usage may be wrong ,

And then simply saying,

“ Sorry Sir, I am a bit late.”

But not realising that my idiocy

Might have already sealed my fate .

Or I might go home after all ,

Listen to my Dad’s call.

Think of a higher prospective maybe

Though that path might be a bit risky

Hope that I am made for this any way ,

Lets try , who knows it might turn out to be little difficult than a child’s play .

Live in a fool’s world as they say.

But still try to take a hugely crowded but least successful way.

Or two months hence ,

I might be still sitting on the fence.

Who knows still trying to complete this poem

Trying to form thoughts of mind , through my hearts lens.

But , who knows, I might be still waiting

For time, people or placements…

RUN BHOLA RUN

2010-09-14T00:08:00.004+05:30

When banished from familiar locations, by familiar faces to unfamiliar territories, what can one think? One can get angry. But that becomes a remote possibility when you reach a point that you start giving up on all possibilities. If you get angry at that point of time, then without fail you will commit suicide. So you will not be alive to tell the tale as I am.
So, then what remains? May be you want to attract attention towards yourself. But then you will tell all and sundry that, “Here I am going to run away.” But then you slip away quietly without telling anyone ruling out that possibility. Now what? May be you want to assert importance through your absence. But then you won’t come back. At least you would come back without telling anybody then. That is a good enough way to assert your importance for me. But mid-way through your “siesta” you realise that it is you, not your friends who are in the midst of a shit storm and decide to turn back. That is definitely not my idea to assert my importance. Or then you simply want to annoy your friends and make them angry. But that doesn’t seem a very viable option if you already know that it is your presence which is enough to irritate and infuriate them not the opposite. Your running away is only going to provide them a mild break if any. So then why would you run away? May be there is no reason at all. Your mind may be devoid of any reason completely. Blank. Empty. An empty bottle when submerged in water, tries to force out of water against all forces. Why does it want to come out? Because , it is empty. That is all. Simple.

People have different ways of dealing with a mind which cannot reason . But what can be the ways to deal if that mind is your own? I have seen people who seldom drink off their worries and people who never smoke, start puffing. But what if you find the taste of beer similar to horse’s piss though you have never tasted the same and that types of people you find most irritating happen to be smokers? You might want to start drinking and find that it takes a lot of courage to go to a beer shop alone for the first time and that too in an area you are hardly familiar with and ask for a can of beer. Or you might still have a strong urge to smoke which has still not gone in the absence of a strong enough deterrent. How do you reason with a mind devoid of it, that which is right and which is wrong? People you want to run away from, how do you decide when you have no discretion that it is not worth it? In an unchartered territory with unfamiliar places with the door through which you came closed by yourself, how do you know how to ask for directions? What do you do when you realise that the mind devoid of reason is of not of the person you are fighting with but your own? Can you run away from everything? Can you ignore? Can you ignore yourself? Running away can be a way of ignoring yourself. Or it can be the opposite. But how do you decide when your mind is devoid of reason?

And finally, what do you do when you realise that there is no way back? That the change you have undergone might just be a permanent one and you have never known a thought which was any more scarier? Do you wait for the ordeal to finish? But what made it an ordeal? May be the realisation that if this world still exists and smiles upon you, it is doing a huge favour for you, if not more.

P.S.

All the characters in this story are mostly imaginary . Any resemblance to anyone living or dead may be pure coincidence.

It's The Man.. Movie Review: Dabangg

2010-09-11T19:58:00.001+05:30

First Superman , then Batman , then Spiderman ,then Iron Man then Shaktiman, and then came Sal-man. And then some more Salman , and some more Salman, and some more Salman , and then only Salman and Salman and Salman and Salman and a then bit of Sonakshi too. And then some more Salman and some more Salman and.....

I will post the full review once my mid semesters get over. Hopefully.

In the mean time, you can read the Wanted review here. There won't be much difference anyways.

P.S. - I can't fathom the fact that how these rugged machomen of yesteryear keep bringing out such beautiful girls!!!!! First Sonam Kapoor, and now Sonakshi Sinha.

The Obituary

2010-08-21T12:02:00.005+05:30

This is a rant, an absolute rant

They keep me failing,

As the water runs down,

May be,

Better I leave wailing ,

Or else, they will leave with a frown.

And they say ,

That the world is white , black or gray,

That depends on your calling,

But they leave me for the greener pastures ,

Huh!! I wonder,

Have I turned brown?

Tears take the place of words,

But they are to be dried even before they appear,

But the sound of words , has not vanished,

They have never had a sheath

They are buried beneath

Like the constant chirping of birds

And the chirpings

Are like the ghosts –constantly feared.

And then

The chirpings start ringing like death knell

I wish to commit homicide of my own soul

So, I peep inside the inner well

And I find

That the birds chirping are the vultures,

Gnawing away at my ailing soul

Which long time back was pure and whole.

Vultures make me wonder,

And they make me mortally afraid.

Feeds on the dead, the vulture,

So does that mean that me too, is dead ,so I wonder

But it may be a dream, or a slumber,

Reflections of the sound of the words, I think

But one vulture laughs loudly , yes he did,

When I tried to bite, pinch and blink.

He said

You feel this, so you are not dead,

You cannot get out of this, you are not on your bed

So it is no dream or any slumber,

We are feasting upon a soul ,

Which was once yours own,

Before to your soul mate it started to wander

It is dead now,

It was once part of your soul

But yours alone is still one and whole

But then

They rejoiced loud with a happy cry,

As if they had another feast

And then I realized it was why,

Coz in their log of feast

My own soul was written against the next number!!!!

Aieeeeeeeeeeshaaaaaaaa........

2010-08-09T01:15:00.001+05:30

Chic chic Chiclet. When I was growing up in terms of my height, there used to be a very popular chewing gum called Chiclet. It was like any other gum available. I could not figure any reason why it was so popular as there were twenty more similar if not better tasting gums in the market. It was predictably bland, chewy, boring and if you could stick it in one place without getting your hands dirty, you could stretch it for as long as you please. But still I used to walk around with it in my mouth all day. Guess , I had nothing better to day at times than chew it. But, what a pity!

Then I grew up a bit . And I came across a term which sounded a lot like Chiclet but was told that it was certainly a lot different than a chewing gum. It was called Chick lit. Two or three Chick lit later, I was searching for the man who gave me that advice with an idea in my heart which was close to being of revenge and murder. They were girly, almost smelled pink , the boys were nothing more than props and in my opinion used to cast women in a demeaning light. All the women in them cared about was marriage. And as long it was any marriage , the world for them was nothing more than a wedding shamiana or a church where you got to go and sign the attendance sheet as a bride or even better- as a bridesmaid.

And then I grew up a bit more. And then came Aisha. And to know how it was, simply join the above two paragraphs and read them. That’s all…

Image courtesy, http://www.yorkshirebiztalk.com

Ghar Ki Baat

2010-08-03T00:40:00.002+05:30

My father was recently transferred to a place called Hajipur. I visited my family recently during vacations. Now when you are at home and friends call you, there is a standard question which goes like," Kya Kar Raha hai?" . To which there is a standard answer, " Kuch Nahi."

Most of the times the answer is true as all you do while you are home in holidays is laze around. But this time I lied to my friends. I actually did two things while I was there. One, I slept when there was the electric supply. And secondly, when there was none, I waited for it. And I was kept quite busy and wide awake, you know. They say the situation all over Bihar had been the same for quite some time. I just wonder what timeframe the phrase “ for quite some time” exactly encompasses. A few days, a few weeks, a few months, or the time since electricity was invented?

I also realised during my stay that a lot of Gods that we have might have been nothing but figment of imagination of the priests of bygone ages. I am not an atheist , but I feel that a lot of these Gods might have been borne because people just needed to have somebody to plead to for their own ills. For example , if you need rainfall , there is Indra. If you need wind, there is Varuna. If you need wealth, there is Goddess Lakshmi. This reasoning is also supported by the fact that there is no God for electricity. In several places , that is more important than rain or wind. If all God were true, there would have been a God for electricity supply as well. After all , it is sometimes a serious problem if you desperately need electricity supply and start wondering that which God you should pray to. Right, no? Ok, Light aa gayi. Now I am going to sleep.

Patna Redux

2010-08-01T19:19:00.001+05:30

As a thumb rule, you generally know inside out about the place you live in. More so , if you grow to like the place. And if you are an outgoing person, the knowledge is even more exhaustive. I am from Bihar. So, naturally I am supposed to know a lot about Bihar. Or at least about the capital city, Patna . But I have never lived there, never loved it and to add to that , I am not an outgoing person. So , whatever I am going to write might be a grotesque piece of imagination, rather than being a candid assessment. But then this is my blog. My space, my rules and my wishes. As simple as that.

I have never lived in Patna. I lived in Ranchi for a good three years which were among the best of my life. Patna was not a party to those years. Actually till I was in class Viii I only used to listen stories about how good the zoo is, how good the museum is and blah blah blah till the time I visited them in class Viii. But you can only like a city because of museums and zoos, not love it. Love can only happen if you connect with it. I never connected with Patna. It was too in your face. It seemed that to survive you have to spike up your daily parlance with an abusive word or two in every sentence. And I have never been an abusive person. It also seemed a tad superficial. They have a very famous Hanumaan temple there thronged by hundreds of devotees every day. But outside there are tonnes of filth lying around . It is as if the people care only about what is inside the temple not outside it. Opposite it is the Patna Railway station which has a banner proclaiming ironically, “Divinity resides in cleanliness”. Ranchi in comparison is much coyer for my liking.

It is not as if Patna is dirty all around. Well, for instance the politicians used to be dirtier. But in one aspect , Patna is like Delhi. Have you observed one thing during rains in Delhi? The roads all through the city are waterlogged but the ones in Lyutens’ Delhi are as if they exist not in Delhi but in some hilly area. NDMC takes credit for that, but I think even if MCD were in charge of those roads , it would have been the same. Likewise in Patna, the places where the politicians live are as spot free as ever. When still in power, Lalu Yadav proclaimed that he will make the Patna roads as smooth as the cheeks of Hema Malini. Apparently she was not amused and replied, “Bloody Cheek that joker!!!” So to amuse himself, Laloo contented himself by making the roads outside his house as smooth if not smoother forgetting about the rest of the city. He left pot-holes for the rest of the city to ply on. So when their time came , the people took pot-shots on him to leave him a large number of potholes to ply his trade on. So the government changed. And around that time the city started to change as well. The city started to shed the moniker of being the city of Laloo and kidnaps. The first change happened by default, the second because of a little effort from the government. Both still exist, but that is all about them. But I am not going to talk about those changes. I presume that I am not qualified enough.

As I mentioned earlier, it was in class Viii, that for the first time I visited Patna to live the image it had in my mind. A city of a zoo, a museum and all that. The zoo was fantastic as was the museum , but the image did not last long. It is not the zoos and the museum which build a city. It is the people who live in it. A government at best can provide with you law and order and at worst, it won’t care who is executing his own free will in which fashion. But it is the people who breed the legacy of the city, nurture it, preserve it and give it its importance. Delhi is Delhi because of Delhites not because it has Lal Qila. But , Patna was different, sadly. It was as if it was too afraid to come forth. It existed for its survival. But then it was a poor city with a majority of its people trying every day to ensure the possibility of the next. It left them too less time to be genteel people. But the things have changed as I noticed recently. And more than the fact that the change in government is responsible for that, I think it is because of a simple reason- More Money. Patna is not a cosmopolitan or a metropolis. But for all its vagaries, it is a proper urban city. And like any other urban city, it has benefited from the dotcom boom, share market growth, economic rise and the sixth pay commission. And money changes the way you think. And in a small city like Patna, it can bring about a cultural shift. And for good or for worse, that is what is happening. People are getting more time and they seek ways to indulge themselves in that free time. Time and money make for a heady combination. So several shopping malls have been coming up . There are no multiplexes yet, but Patna had never had a strong cinema- viewing culture anyway. Otherwise they wouldn’t still be producing movies like Azab Devar Ke Gazab Bhaujai in Bhojpuri. Also as urbanisation increases, the tendency to break up and form nuclear family increases. So there is more time for the housewives. We might be a so called patriarchal society, but the homes are still run by the ladies. And if they have the extra time, everyone else in the family –more so if nuclear- has extra time. Extra time and extra money make a heady combination. Coupled with a government which is keener on providing good law and order- at least in the capital city - , you can see several families at public hangouts well beyond nightfall. A few years back staying outside your home in Patna after 8’o clock in Patna was probable choice only if your business happened to be slitting people’s pockets and throats and you were not a doctor. Another change which probably has happened with free time and lack of options is that daily soaps started to generate huge viewership among the ladies. Even the channels were not slow to recognise that and now there are quite a few shows on air with Bihar as their backdrop. With the serials, the ladies get handy number of topics to discuss about among their neighbours which determines the current fads and trends. This is especially more important in a city like Patna because the principal garment for the ladies there is still the Sari which is the same with the serials. But still even the serial- watching culture in Patna in quite different from the metros. For example, unlike the metros, there housewives still know more about the lives of their neighbours than they do about Pratigya or Anandi.

But Patna ,in my opinion, is passing through a stage which throws befuddling paradoxes at almost every turn-the type which can often be found in cities striving hard to project a different than usual image. It is facing a question which can be both tough and simple to answer. To create a reputation or emulate it? But Patna must remember that a city stands out because it has qualities worth standing out. Delhi is as different from Mumbai as chalk from blackboard is. Mumbai though a mere 2 hour drive from Pune is quite dissimilar from it as the discussion here suggests. Patna citizens cannot be Delhites or Mumbaikars or Pune-wallahs for the simple reason that they already exist. A Van Gogh goes for 139 million bucks while its copy goes for a mere 200. We always think that copying somebody is easier, but being you is far easier. After all, you do not have to put any effort while doing that. But sadly , for the present Patna seems to revel in the paradoxes.

There are more vehicles , more traffic jams, traffic cops are visible for a change. But still I could see quite a few cars with no number plates roaming freely. You can still blare through a red light if you have another red light on the top of your vehicle even if it is a privately owned one. The zoos and museums still attract more crowds on weekends than any mall or cinema hall. While I was returning back to Delhi, there was a young couple in my compartment. They were speaking Maithili, a local language instead of Hindi and the lady was dressed in a Sari wrapped around in a conventional manner. The lady slept in the upper berth opposite to mine and the husband in the side upper berth. Around 2 am I woke to go to the loo, and saw that the upper berth was empty and the lady had quietly slipped into the side upper berth to sleep with her husband . By the morning, both of them were back in their respective berths and a while later , the lady was discussing with her mother-in-law (presumably) whether to keep fasts on Mondays or on Thursdays for her husband again in chaste Maithili. More than being caught in a paradox, they were faced with a kind of quandary. I hate to think that but were they feeling apologetic about behaving in a “modern” manner? I could only smile for an answer. If I could isolate myself, the coming years are going to be demographically very interesting for sure.

But for now, the Patna of now was summed up for me by a hoarding put up by a milk food product company called Sudha . The hoarding had a football on an octopus and the caption read , “FOOT-PAUL”. It wore striking resemblance to the spoof hoardings Amul has been known to churn out so creatively through decades.

Sadly, it was imitation at its worst. And Patna will do well to learn .

Akalooo from Patna Khatal: Dhoni Bhaiyya Aur Sakshi

2010-07-06T20:58:00.000+05:30

ईईह्ह्ह्ह. इ का कर बैठे धोनी भैया!!!!! मतलब हम भी बिहार के ही हैं. तो का हुआ जो आप झारखण्ड के हैं . अरे झारखण्ड भी तो बिहार के पीछे से ही निकला है न जी. और फिर अपना पढाई लिखी भी तो हम रांची से ही किये हैं. का फरक पड़ता है जो हम आपके राईभाल स्कूल में पढ़ते थे? फिर भी भैया तो कह ही सकते हैं न. खैर छोरिये, पर ई का कर डाले? अरे दीपिका, प्रियंका, कटरीना और पता नहीं कौन कौन को छोड़ कर आप कहाँ ई साक्षी के पल्लू में डेरा जमा लिए. और तो और हमको बताये भी नहीं . अरे हम आपके सबसे बड़े फैन , कूलर, एः सी जो ठहरे. अरे हमको ही लगा लेते विवाह मंडप में. मुंहवा से फूँक फूँक कर आपको ठंडा कर देते. अरे साक्षी जी को देख कर ठंडा ठंडा आहें निकलता सो अलग. अरे जलन का नहीं . हमको गलत मत समझिएगा. अरे आप पर दया भावना का आहें निकलता. पूरा बर्बाद कर दिया हमारा लड़का को. तिलक विलक मिला की नहीं?

अरे का का सपना सब नहीं देखे थे हम आपको ले कर. सब का गुर गोबर बना के ऊपर से मन भर पानी और उड़ेल दिया. जो की गोबर से लीपी पुताई भी न हो!! अरे हमरे सपना में रोज आप आते थे. बस शकल हमरी होती थी. पर होते आप ही थे. काहे की जब आप बाल कटाए न तो फिर हमरे सपने में भी हमारे बाल कट गए. तो फिर हम समझ गए की ई तो साक्षात् महाप्रभु ही हैं . और इस से भी अच्छी बात बतावें. अरे आप के साथ होती थी हमारी स्वप्न सुंदरी लोग. कभी हम दीपिका के गले में हाथ रख के गुटर गूं कर रहे होते थे. और कभी हम देखते थे की हमारे पीछे सलमान खान काले हिरन पर बैठ कर हाथ में बड़ा सा मोटा सा सोंटा लेकर हमारे पीछे हमको गरियाता हुआ भागा आ रहा है . और हम कटरीना को ले कर अपनी राजदूत फटफटिया से फुर्र होते जा रहे हैं . और देखे का पता है, सलमान रास्ते में ही गिर जात है. अरे वो उस काले हिरन को मार के खा जाता है न. और हम कटरीना को ले कर …….. अब माना की उ आप ही होते हैं, पर सपने में भी हमरी कुछ गोपनीयता रहनी चाहिए की नहीं. जहाँ देखो मुंह उठता कर चले आते हैं!!! और एक बार तो प्रियंका……खैर छोरिये अब का ही हम भगजोगनी की तरह टिमटिमआयें. अब का हमरे सपना में अब ऊ साक्षी जी आएँगी? और हम का उनको लोरी सुनायेंगे? की हमारे साथ वो आके पोशम्पा भाई पोशम्पा खेलेंगी? आपके लिए तो परफेक्ट रहेगी, ज़िन्दगी भर बैठ के हुकुम चलाइयेगा बच्ची पर. पर हमारा तो सोच लिया होता न!! अरे हमारा नहीं तो हमारे सपने का ही सोच लिया होता. कहाँ दीपिका और कहाँ साक्षी . सपनवा नहीं बताने में भी मज़ा नहीं आएगा. अरे उसे अच्छी तो हमारी भैंसिया ही है हाँ. अरे कम से कम गोबर तो देती है शुद्ध. उसमे पानी तो नहीं डालती मन भर.
और का पता कौन कौन ऊहाँ आया होगा? हमको तो आप दुरदुराय ही दिए. अब बाद में ई मत बांचियेगा की हम कार्ड तो भेजे थे पर पहुंचा नहीं. काहे की हमको पता है की आपकी शादी में कार्ड नहीं पास भेजे गए हैं. खैर हम पोस्ट मास्टर से पूछते हैं कहीं ऊ तो नहीं दबा गया ससुरा. हम आते तो क्या पता चार आना सपना हमरा बच ही जाता. कोई आ ही गयी होती. कोई मिल ही गयी होती. अब ई मत समझिएगा की हम अपनी औकात को भूल गए हैं. वैसे किशन भगवान् और लालू जी हमारी ही बिरादरी से ही हैं. वैसे तो गांधारी ने हमारे कुल को आमूल चूल नष्ट हो जाने का श्राप दिया था. पर हम बच गए, लालू जी के साथ. ही ही ही. पर हैं तो हम ग्वाले ही की औकात के ना. पर सपना चाहे अमिताभ का हो या हमारा, वो तो औकात नहीं देखता न. सो, वही हमारे सपने में भी दू आना चार आना बच जाता अगर आप बुलाय लेते.
पर बुलाया किसको आपने. ऊ धूम के धुआं को. अरे ऊ तो जिंदा बच भी नहीं पाया था. हृतिक तो बच भी गया था. और उसके पास तो एक भैंसिया तो पहले से ही है. बिपासा कहते है न उसको. ऊ का करेगा सपना सजा के? और किसको तो बुलाये!! सुरेश रैना को . अरे जिसके नाम में ही रैना है ऊ आपके ज़िन्दगी में का खा के सवेरा करेगा? देखिएगा ऊ पक्का आपकी साक्षी जी पर लाइन वा मारेगा. अब का करें ई साक्षी जी के लिए “भाभी” शब्द जबान से फिसलिये न रहा है न. इहाँ हम का का नहीं सोचे थे आपकी दुल्हनिया की लेकर और आप ई साक्षी के साथ अग्नि का साक्षी ले बैठे. और हमको बुलाये भी नहीं. हम होते तो का पता हमरे नाम अकलू से आपको थोड़ी सी अक्कल ही आ जाती. अरे हम तो तभी से आपका फैन कूलर बने बैठे हैं जबसे हमको पता लगा की आप दिन में 4 किल्लो दूध पीते हैं शुद्ध. पाकिट वाला नहीं. ई अमूल और मदर देरी तो हमरा धंधा का इतना नुक्सान कर चूका है न की का बतावें जितना की बिना पानी मिलाये दूध बेचना भी नहीं किया. हमको लगा की कोई और हमारा ख्याल करे न करे , आप तो कीजियेगा ही. अब आपके यहाँ शुद्ध पनीर कैसे बनेगा , हमको तो फिकर हो रहा है. हमरा सपना गया सो गया. पर ई तो विवाह है न जी.
खैर , अपने रिसेप्सन में ई देख लीजियेगा की ऊ बिपाशा भैंसी हमारी भैंसिया के सामने न फटके . ऊ का है न की उसको जलन हो गया तो. रिसेप्सन का कार्ड अभी तक तो नहीं आया है, पर शादी में तो हम ज़ब्त कर गए. अब ना आये तो आप बुरा नहीं मान जाइयेगा. और हमको कार्ड का का ज़रुरत? अरे दूध नहीं चाहिए का अब? बाकी बात सब रिसेप्सन में आ कर करेंगे. और हाँ , आपको शादी का बहुत बहुत मुबारकबाद.

An Open Letter to Ms Priya Ramani

2010-07-04T16:10:00.000+05:30

For Reference , please first read this link

Dear Ms Ramani,

Thank you, Ms Ramani for reminding me that I am an Indian. You know , the world cup is going on and I did not at all follow the Asia Cup . Actually I have not been following cricket since the World T20 started. This disinterest started to make me feel if I am cent per cent Indian still. But thanks to your article- and I am being polite and Indian enough to call it just an article- I now know that I am still an Indian . Cent per cent, or may be more.

No, I don’t spit in public, haven’t ever tried to watch any Indian soap let alone trying to like or understand them, don’t like mangoes either and only if necessary start the conversation with remark, “How slim you have become!!” instead of going other way around. Heck , I have even resisted the temptation to ask Harsha Bhogle on his timeline as to how he got his crop of new hair, in spite of the fact that I am going to be completely hairless in two years. But yes, my father likes mangoes. And he is an Indian. And as a public servant done more for the Indian people than you ever will through your journalistic duties. And yes, he does his work as dutifully as ever and in fact loves his work. So technically in your eyes , he is not an Indian. Indian bureaucrats don’t do that, do they? But paradoxically for you he still calls himself Indian. And so do a lot of other people who continuously strive to make India the “greatest place on earth” that you so frown about despite of numerous hurdles and cynics. People like Mr. Kalam, Mr E. Sreedharan, my father, me if I do my work well, and even you Ms Ramani , if you aspire to bring about some change through your writings and try to write well.

Ms Ramani I celebrate all my festivals the way the way they are meant to be celebrated coz I think the person who invented festivals must have been the greatest psychologist out there , ever. And he did not tell us that we should not be up on Christmas as people are supposed to sleep in night or that we should all turn vegetarian as it is so cruel for the poor turkey to lose its life for us to celebrate on thanksgiving or that we should not get spongy drunk and get all brash and loud on the new year’s eve. Likewise he did not tell me that I ought not burst crackers on Diwali night coz it disturbs the dogs and the people who are old or that I should refrain from pouring colours on Holi just because I think colours are more ‘colourful’ than being bland. Tell you what Ms Ramani, if I do not care about the Turkey, I might as well not care about the dogs and those old people must have done the same when they were of my age i.e. burst a lot of crackers and throw colours. But then you might choose to disagree with the shrink or with me. Bloody well, you can – I am not going to burst crackers in your house or throw colours on you. Because it is in India you are. You can easily say screw off without the danger of being screwed yourself.

You curse a politician and well, any one should for what he has done. But I really don’t think that a major chunk of our politicians are Indians at all. They are Hindus, Muslims, or Yadavs, Brahmins , or from any other caste before being an Indian. Or else they are Biharis, Bengalis, form Telengana, or south Indians, or Marathis . Or in this case they are simply being males than being Indians. May be you have been looking in wrong places Ms Ramani. Indians are not like Politicians that they have. It is the other way around. Politicians are not like the Indians they represent.

Yes, I too don’t think that India is the greatest country around. But still I am Indian because as long I try to work to make it the greatest country , I will be Indian I guess. Most of the chest thumping on Jai Ho came from the NRI community who for all there ‘Indian-ness’reside In their USA and Canada for the ‘standard of living’ they get there and have scantly done anything for their INDIA. If you think that they are Indians , may be you have been using wrong frames as well. For most of the Indians, Slumdog Millionaire was an overstretched tale of the notion West has about India. That while we are no more a country of snakes and elephants, all we have is abject poverty, software professionals, and riots. It only interested us because it won us two Oscars. Did you find Slumdog Millionaire insightful? Watch Bawarchi - a Rajesh Khanna movie. It will tell you more about Indian values than any Danny Boyle America can bring here. Danny Boyle would never tell you that India is the only country where you will get away with calling the national God “A Loser” as you call Ram or publicly bashing the very existence of the major festivals being held here. It is not that we don’t care. It is because we know how to keep quiet when someone disagrees. How to make the other person feel acknowledged in the peaceful terms even if he says ‘no’ in the most blasphemous and ridiculous manner. We are not going to tell you to buzz off in the manner Joel Stein does. He is an American you know. But still if you think that his version is more respectable, then you are still welcome. It is India, after all.

Or, maybe you tried to inject some humour or to use a better word, some ‘sarcasm’ in your piece, and maybe I didn’t get that. But I have always believed that it is not your readers fault if he doesn’t get your sarcasm, it is yours. You were not subtle enough or maybe you were not revealing enough. What do you think? You may choose to disagree and say that I am not intellectual enough to understand you ‘intended’ humour. And I am okay with it. I give you the right to disagree because I am an Indian. I have seen a lot of people crying hoarse on a lot of matters like region and religion. People who tend to think that people do not have the right to think otherwise in their so called ‘jurisdiction’. Ms Ramani, did somebody attack your office or your car or your house for writing what you did? I would think not. Maybe you will reckon the reason for that is that more people watch My Name Is Khan in India than those who read an English newspaper- a business one at that. But I think that it is because there are more people in India who are Indian than those who are merely Hindu, Muslim or Marathi . So while you say that my fellow Indian lot is deeply unaware of the existence of anybody other than his own , he is wild, uncouth, uncultured, do not respect women, eats mangoes(!!!!!), watches dumb shows etc etc, I am just going to smile at you and politely say that while I do not agree with your views, and so will millions of my fellow Indians whom you so conveniently choose to keep out of the definition of being ‘Indian’, I will not vandalise either your home or your office, will not try to get you to leave the country, or to get a fatwa issued against you or try to get a hefty bounty placed on your head. Because you are in India, does not matter whether you think yourself as an Indian or not . And by the virtue of being in India, you have the right to disagree. And if Ms Ramani, by any chance you somehow read this post where I disagree with your views, and still you do not flag this blog for having difference of opinion, Ms Ramani, sorry to say, but you are still an Indian.

Welcome to India,
Sumit

Bak Bak Bak Bak .....Ravan - Movie Review

2010-07-04T15:55:00.000+05:30

When I walked out of the theatre having watched Ravan, one of my friend started humming Ranjha Ranjha. Well, the song was not even in the movie. Actually it was so difficult to remember anything from the movie that he chose to hum something which was not in the movie.

It is quite difficult to write about Ravan. Actually, it is difficult to recall anything worth writing about Ravan. Except the cinematography and the music. Sadly, this time Mani Ratnam chooses to rely more on his apprentices than on his own a story telling skills. Moments are still there , but they do not build up to a credible story line. Rahman is as usual top-notch and the camera work by Santosh Sivan is once in a lifetime stuff , but when through the length of the movie, you start to get the feeling that you were better off buying the audio cd and then taking some screenshots, you know that the movie will have difficulty redeeming itself. Maybe they would come out with an album with shots of the movie as a redeeming feature. But till then there is hardly anything to write. I can write pages about say both Maqbool and Drona. One was exemplary film making and other absolute drivel. But more importantly I am going to remember both of them. Presently I am having difficulty remembering scenes from Ravan, a movie I saw few hours back. And that is the worst feeling I can have after watching a movie. And that is sad. More so coz it came from Mani Ratnam Stable.

The problem with Ravan is that once you take your eyes off the camera work and your ears off the music , all you see is incessant humming and all you hear is blatant cacophony. Disappointingly the subtlety that was so apparent in Guru is thrown out of the window. Of all the actor on display the best performance came from Ravi Kissen. Now do I need to say anything about the performance of the rest of the cast, though the performance is a credit to the actor Ravi Kissen has grown into. Heck, in a movie of Abhishek, Aishwarya, ManiRatnam, I am talking about Ravi Kissen!!!! Who would have thought? But then, you get the trend , don’t you? Abhishek has still not found a shaving blade and by the looks of it, it seems he had spent a long time in a mental asylum looking for it. Chak chak chak chak, bak bak bak bak. He chooses to exaggerate Lallan from Yuva rather than try for a redux of Gurukant Desai. The latter would have been definitely more bearable. Aishwarya looks so lost as to why is her husband acting like this that she completely forgets that she is in a movie herself. Govinda looks as if he has jumped straight from the sets of Maharaja, if you remember that there was such a movie. And then comes the guy whom plays Ram or whatever he is called. He tries sooo hard to shed his southern accent that he makes Abhishek Bachhan look less irritating. Now, even Mani Ratnam could not manage to do that in this movie. That’s saying something , right?I didn’t even bother to check up his name. I can see why is the Tamil version of the movie where the same guy plays Ravan is a big hit. Ahem, Ahem.

There is a scene in the movie, where a lot of people from the village tell the police inspector and you what is Beera like. Now, do you remember any instance while watching Guru, where you had to ask yourself as to what Gurukant Desai is like? Why? Because the focus of Guru was on the story content. The characters came out in a beautiful subtle manner. Subtlety as an option is as absent as “Pride and Glory” were from England’s football world cup campaign. Here you have Aishwarya shrieking, the man who played Ram shouting and Abhishek Bachhan hamming which was worse than shouting. Was he trying to project a scary image? Instead, he reminded me of this video. For reasons known to them only everyone in the movie tries to thrive on excess, but only cinematography looks good while exaggerated. The movie by the way is a photographer’s delight, a cinematographic orgasm. But wish, I could say the same for the rest .

But a lot of these things could have been glossed over only if the script was good enough. But the plain simple fact is that no matter what we talk about, Ravan is a long , boring movie. It doesn’t involves, it doesn’t surprises and most damningly , it doesn’t interest. Actually to be fair to the scriptwriter, when you decide to make a movie on Ramayana, he has to work his way out of a very inherent flaw, that is lack of drama. Ramayana is a very straightforward story of love and revenge devoid of any drama. There are no twists, there are no traitors , there are no cunning plans , there is nothing to shake you through the scruff of your neck in Ramayana. And if you are thinking about the Vibhishana episode, that bit in Ravan is badly chopped out to leave the Vibhishana guy nothing but an extra. Ramayana the serial was a phenomenon despite its poor actors and hyperbole because of the religious audience. And with a plot like that , if you are going to project Ravan as God and Ram as opposite, Mani Ratnam should have realised that he is trading in thin waters. A case in point is Rajneeti. It was based on Mahabharata, and loosely took threads from The Godfather. Few books written have had more drama in them than these two. So in spite of the sincere attempts of the Rajneeti Director to screw up the movie in the second half, the end product felt good. That the people came out of the theatres feeling good, was more of a credit to these two books than the director. Ravan- devoid of drama, the director is somewhat helpless, somewhat inept to handle such an even more inept script.

In the end , Ravan left me indifferent . In my dictionary, that is as sorry a reaction I can have for any movie. After Guru, I was really looking forward to Ravan. I will still look forward to Mani Ratnam’s next, but the dynamics of my expectations would have changed. Sadly.

MummY MummY Bang Bang

2010-05-09T20:41:00.000+05:30

I would not hide the fact that I am afraid to sleep alone at nights. When I was young, I used to spin the yarn that I am afraid of cats. That from somewhere a cat will suddenly jump over me at night. My Mummy used to try her best to placate me, but if I had the knack of listening to advices, wouldn’t I have been better man than what I am? She used to know that it was not the cats I was afraid of but the ghosts . The one I used to see in shows like Aahat and Alif Laila. But still she did not used to spill the beans. Never figured out why? May be coz then I would have been lost for words and in no position to argue further and she did not want to put me in such an embarrassing position. So, then finally, my Mummy used to sleep besides me, at least till the time I used to fall asleep. Such a day was a Mother’s Day for me.

And then a few days back a friend of mine whose name I do not want to mention here, told me about the experiences he had when he had a trip to his village in vacations. Sinister experiences all, like he had scary but factual dreams no one could explain about. He used to have strange hallucinations about stuff he had never seen , but others in his family knew about. After he recounted the tale to me, the mouse inside me woke up, and I found it impossible to gather even a wink that night. A boy who used to lose sleep even on the memories of laughable ghosts from even more laughable shows, one can imagine what was the state of my mind on hearing what were apparently true ghastly tales. Disturbed as I was, I called my Mummy and had a chat. It was 12:30 in night and she was fast asleep. But , still she talked to me as if it were morning. She once asked me what was the matter that I was calling up so late? To which I simply managed to gloss over. I never told her about those stories. But, still after that surprisingly, all disturbances evaporated from my mind and I was able to sleep calmly though besides a friend which seemed almost impossible 15 minutes back. I could never explain what happened. Guess it was the Mummy effect which was fully operating even though she was more than 1200 km away from me. That was a Mother’s day for me.

Every time I used to leave home at the end of the vacations, she used to almost cry. She does not cry anymore, but I know she still does. Somewhere. As I do. Those are the Mother’s Day for me.

A week before I leave home after vacations, she starts asking me what snacks I want to take to hostel. She perfectly knows that they will be consumed by my friends instead of me and for that reason, I do not take any of those snacks, but she keeps persisting. In the end she finally manages to convince me to take along at least a cake- a full big homemade cake instructing that it should be finished while I am in train only, knowing fully that it is a next to impossible task for me but still hoping that I would. For that hope, every one of those days is Mother’s Day for me.

Every time she calls , she asks about my studies. And I reply that I study, “Thoda Bahut” . To which she first replies that she does not believe me that I do not study. And then goes on a minute long monologue that why I should study, knowing deep within that I have been surely kidding that I do not study well. For that innocence and ignorance every one of those days are Mother’s Day for me.

Every time I pull my sister’s hair when she irritates me (Yes, I do it even now) she comes and with her hands on hips, wonders what she is going to do with me and warns that she will report us to Daddy even though we have become slightly older now – a threat she never carries out. For those empty threats, every one of those days is Mother’s Day for me.

Any day I love her and any day she cares for me is a Mother’s day. And that is every day.

Somebody told me that today is Mother’s Day. Yes, today it is......one of those Mother's Days.

How Did She Let Go of This??

2010-05-06T01:29:00.000+05:30

These are the lyrics of the song “ Tainu Tv Par” from LSD. Please keep the part in bold in your mind as you go through the post.

Tainu Tv Per Wekhya
Hai Main Tujpe Marr Jawa) - 2
Mujhse Shaadi Karle Aa 
Chad De Laaj Sharam Parda

Tainu TV Tainu Tv

Sabnu Kiss kardi firdi ae,

Saddi Jaan tarasdi hai,

Mainu bhi famous karde,

TV pe tu kiss kar de.

O kudiye Gal man le meri,

Mera makeup hai ready,

O Eligible bachelor

Kar le mera Swayanmvar.

Tainu TV tv tv tv

 Ban ja biwi biwi biwi,

Tainu Tv Per Wekhya
Hai Main Tujpe Marr Jawa) - 2
Mujhse Shaadi Karle Aa 
Chad De Laaj Sharam Parda
(Tainu Tv) - 2, Tainu Tv Per Wekhya

Maine murder hain kiye,

channel par tere liye,

Daal le aag mein thodi ghee,

Ban jaye controversy.

Tainu Tv Tv Tainu Tv Tv

Fir hum maal kamayenge

Ek bangla banwayenge,

usme 2600 Tv ,

banaye show reality,

Tainu Tv Tv Tv

Phir tu star main bhi star,

Lokhi dekhan barambar

Saare desh badal ke vesh

Khatri Remote Paunda Bhangra 
Tv Tv Tv Ban Ja Biwi Biwi Biwi

Tainu Tv par dekha…..

                                        Ring  a bell?? Did it ? No?? Now read only the

bold portions. Still nothing?? Ok. So I saw you on T.V and I liked you a lot.

Please marry me without any inhibitions which you obviously have none of.

 You kissed everyone . So please kiss me on T.V and we will create a

controversy out of it. I am also an eligible bachelor . So please choose me in

your swayamvar and become my wife. And then we will celebrate our marriage by pouring ghee in the fire and create another controversy out of it.  And if

that does not work, we will then have a big house built in which there will be

cameras in every nook and corner and we will make a reality show out of it by playing Big Boss- Big Boss inside it. Then surely we will have enough muck on our hands . Even Mikka will look up to us then. We will change the television

viewing topography in our country.

Still did not get anything? Welcome Mr. Ishaan aka Darsheel on my blog.

Thanks for visiting. So are you the one she is waiting for?

Image Courtesy :- www.manjul.com

The Secret....

2010-04-22T12:07:00.000+05:30

The majority thinks that it is the majority who do not want to do the class. So the majority decide not to attend the classes. But it is actually the minority who convinces the majority that it is the majority who does not want to attend the classes since the majority have already conceded for the absence from classes, the majority should also follow the majority. But the majority who wants to attend the classes is told by the minority that since the majority do not want to attend the classes, they should not break the majority by attending the classes. The problem is that majority is major in numbers , but is always found in fragments and doesn’t ever get to know what the majority thinks. So the minority manages to convince the majority that the majority is not going to attend the classes because that is the will of the majority and if majority goes otherwise, it will break up the unity of the majority and then the majority will turn into a minority . So, the class is not held coz the majority thinks that the majority does not want to attend the classes, and in the end, the minority manages to prevent the class from being held. By the time the bluff is called , the class is well over and if they get time majority might have a serious thought of renaming themselves “herds” , but just then another class is to take place and minority again springs up.....

That is how we bunk our classes, and more. Confusing , but sadly, true.

Random Ruminations

2010-04-21T09:33:00.001+05:30

I don’t want to die,

But there are some wrongs to be mended,

To give some remedies for lies,

So will have to die.

I don’t want to live,

But there are some “hows” and “whys” to find,

Lot of masks to be perceived,

Lots of hearts to be broken,

Lots of emotions to be weaved,

Lots of faces to sieve,

So I will have to live.

I don’t want to have any friend,

But it amazes me that how it rhymes with

Both “mend” and “end”

I want to keep being amazed,

Have one end sharp of the blade,

Have a cut when I take a wrong bend,

So I will have to have friends .

I do not want to look inside,

Lest there is a big void,

Emptiness within,

Full of nothing ,

But deceit and sin.

But the outside is big and wide,

Inside is empty and narrow,

It gives me space to cower in my own burrow.

Outside asks questions ,

Inside some more,

But inside gives answers,

Sometimes maleficent, sometimes vulgar,

And sometimes snide.

But answers still,

So I have to look inside.

Spitting this yarn ,

Gives me the question “Why?”

Maybe I don’t want to die.

Maybe I want to live ,

Tell the tale

And grieve.

Maybe I want a friend .

For my woes,

Surely an ear he will lend.

But a talking mouth will not follow therafter,

Filled with a curse and laughter.

It will help me look inside,

Though the space is less, it will help me soar and glide.

And for a moment of shut eyes,

I will be at the top.

At the top,

From where everything looks so small,

Friends and foes,

Life and its woes

And that will be the end of all

Once and for all.

Bade Ball Hain Tere

2010-04-06T09:08:00.000+05:30

Paanchod Besharma strutted out of his house.( Chod is pronounced as chor, not what you are pronouncing it now as, you pervert ) His wife SEE SEE has once again refused to comply to his rather sodomic wishes. He had been left feeling like a nympho and subsequently had started to devise ways to turn a necrophilist if not allowed to be sodomic. He was so dumb.

He turned his steps towards Girl-Boy road . He had in past been a regular there to satisfy his carnal needs and used to go to his favourite Peela Peeli Dickshit. But she has grown old now. Just like his wife SEE SEE. Not that he was still young- but he did not see it that way. He was so dumb. He believed that till he had life in his bones and boneless’es, he could get up and stand. But Peela Peeli had grown old for his needs. She knew that and she had become a wimp . Actually P.B. thought so, as he reckoned that a woman pimp is called a wimp. Actually it was he who was a wimp. But, he did not know that. He was so dumb.

But it was all going to change. No, he was still going to remain dumb enough to not know that he was dumb, but Peela Peeli had promised to ensure him to a new bombshell- a new entrant , she claimed to have descended from the bloodline of Anarkali herself. She was called DATTU.

After 4 hours,

Peela Peeli was right. He had already gone lattu on DATTU. With SEESEE he felt as if he was to due to retire from any moment now. But with DATTU it was ,like he had got an extension of five years. She made him feel powerful. He felt like singing, "I got the power” one moment , the other he felt shouting like Dr Jackal from Shaktiman-“ POWER”. He could have advertised for Titanic-K2 capsules that night. Interestingly she did not even allow him to touch in these 4 hours. But he knew, that there will be time for deliberation , discussion and fornication. And for that he wanted to come back. DATTU had invited him the day after. She knew that P.B and his wife SEESEE belonged to a very rich family.

3 days later,

P.B. was standing in front of the mirror dyeing his hair black. SEESEE wondered aloud that what was the need to prove “Buddhi Ghodi Laal Lagam " right in these days. Besharma just smiled annoyingly to him. (Yes, this was a feat he had mastered, unlike others. But the reality was that last night , during one of those moments, DATTU whispered to him in one of those manner, “ Bade ball hain tere.” But the dumb person he was, he could not understand the difference between Ball and Baal. Hence the dyeing . But he had not accounted for SEESEE who in night painted his hair white instead. Then again that night DATTU told him in one of those moments, “Bade ball hain tere”. He fell in love with his white hair and has been dyeing it white ever since. He was so dumb.

2 months later,

It was P.B’s marriage anniversary yesterday. But he could not go to meet DATTU that day. Not even on the pretext of having to go to see the sick daughter of the local mafia don, as he himself arrived at the ceremony with his daughter in tow –hale and healthy. But as it turned out, DATTU got very angry and told P.B , “ It is time you decide between me and her.” And after some deliberation and discussion in which the only involved party was Besharma himself, he decided to marry DATTU and send SEESEE to an old age home.

But one major hurdle was Peela Peeli Dickshit. She wnted a good compensation as DATTU was one of her main attraction. She asked for an unconfirmed sum of Rs 1 crore which P.B paid by selling SEESEE’s jewellery and some other assets she owned.

5 days later,

On the pretext of being sent to a beauty parlour, SEESEE was sent to an old age home in a far flung place the address of which was known to nobody. Both P.B and DATTU changed their religion to Islam to remarry. So, P.B. became Pravesh Badhazmi and DATTU remained DATTU. You see, unlike SEESEE, no one knew about DATTU. She was anonymous , unknown creature. So there was no need to change her name. Also DATTU, as one can see is a religiously bastardized name- can be used in any religion. So, DATTU officially became the owner of the assets of P.B. and his first wife SEESEE. As one can see, she clearly was not dumb.

9 months later,

No, DATTU did not give birth to a child. P.B was not as young as he liked to believe. But instead his children with SEESEE -he was young once, as much you would like to believe the contrary- started to protest against his marriage to DATTU. They went downtown with slogans like “ Yellow Yellow , Dirty Fellow” in an obvious reference to Peela Peeli and “ Hua Hua, P.B chooha”.Now one might ask that why did they take 9 months to wake up and realise?? But like their father, they were also sooooo very dumb.

(If everything above seemed Greek to you, click here)

Ek Katora Khoon

2010-03-31T21:41:00.000+05:30

There was a wallpaper in the hall. It had a small picture of Amitabh Bachhan in one corner. And almost the rest of the wallpaper had a picture of a man with the words scrolled over, “Amitabh Bachhan is alive today because of me.” Apparently the blood given to AB during his recent stomach infection was his. Guess they could not find the person who gave blood to AB when he was hurt during Coolie. Then there would have been a picture of that man and the caption, “Abhishek Bachhan is alive today because of me.” I began wondering where my blood will go. A poster in front of me said that my blood might save the life of 4 different people. Below that something was written in Greek. Actually it was English only, but medical science (allopathy) which had its origin in Greece , is still so infatuated with the language of its mother place, that anything related to it sounds like Greek , even if it is English. So I went to the first person who could understand Greek i.e. the doctor and she told me that my blood will go to a man, a woman, a child and a dog. DOG??? She shrugged and said that the dog can be excluded if he does not belong to the family. But if otherwise, be prepared for the dog kind’s ultimate reply to Dharam Paaji , “ Look who is drinking whose blood now?????” Okkk , I made up that last bit, Dharam Paaji . You can rest peacefully - Gabbar is long dead and dogs do not reply.

There were reasons I did not want to write this post. One, I had decided that I would henceforth not write any personal post, as my personal life is as boring as watching dry paint get wet and peel off during rains, and therefore so will be my blog. Secondly this post has the ability to make my only reader -my friend Nivesh baulk off of the idea of visiting my blog anytime soon. But this is for “The Bigger Cause”. Just like blogging about tigers will somehow help to increase their numbers, blogging about blood donation will also help the cause. How?? I don’t know. And I doubt anybody knows either. But still.....

So, I went to donate my blood. It was under a campaign titled in a very cheesy manner called, “Hum tumhein khoon denge,Tum humein DCE do.” DCE happens to be our college which has been converted into a university in an even more cheesy fashion. So , a lot of things have been going around. Politics, playing with politics –both inside and outside, playing politics-both inside and outside, trying to get oneself made PC, trying to get a friend made PC, trying to get an enemy stopped from being made PC and shedding blood , tears and swaet, obviously among other things. For the uninitiated, PC stands for placement coordinator. Strangely, it also stands for Political coordinator. Politics and blood always go hand in hand. But the good thing has been that this time blood has been ours and not others , and it has not been wasted even if the movement comes to a standstill.

So, where will my blood go? I sincerely wish and pray that my blood is never needed by anybody. Not that I am infected by HIV AIDS or the likes. It will be nice if I get a picture with Sachin with myself being projected as the star. But that will mean that I will have to wish that Sachin gets through a tragedy grave enough to require blood. That cannot happen. Wouldn’t it be nice if my blood comes back to me when I need that? Like a bank, where you deposit money when you do not need that and take it away when you are in need. But in a bank, you lend money to the bank, whereas in a blood bank, you donate blood. Guess, therein lies the difference.

Inside there was another poster which said that only 5%of all eligible Indians donate blood. Sordid fact , for sure. But what is the eligibility? Any person who weighs more than 45 Kg and has not suffered from diseases like typhoid or jaundice in the last 3 months can donate. That makes around 70-75% of Indians eligible to donate. But only 5% do so. Another chart inside told me of the things I ought to do after having donated. I should not carry heavy weights for the next 24 hours. Now, that makes around 40% of Indians who sustain their families through daily labour-intensive jobs ineligible to donate. That chart also advised me to take a lot of liquid food within the next 24 hours. Now around 55-60% of Indians cannot afford any sort of liquid food other than water. And about 65%of Indians do not have access to clean drinking water. Wonder how much does the eligibility of such people count. One of my friend there collapsed after giving blood because he had not had any solid food since morning. So, I guess that must be criteria as well. Now, I assume that around 40% of Indians are not quite acquainted with the idea of “Breakfast” and they have their first meal of the day as lunch at noon at around 12-1 pm. And the blood bank opens till 4 in evening. Now, I do not remember set theory, terms like union and intersection etc. I also am not trying to prove anything, nor am I trying to make a statement. I am just trying to look at things a little differently. Now each one of those people- one who is a labourer, one who does not have access to clean drinking water and cannot have the luxury having breakfast , might need blood in their life at one stage or other, without being eligible per se. That is why blood bank is not strictly a bank, more a trust , with each one of Indian who has got the luxury in monetary terms, has the luxury in terms of time, has the luxury in terms of health, has the luxury to be strictly eligible , as one of it trustee. And that is why everyone should donate. Also they give you a pack of Tropicana juice of your choice. Guess, that should be reason enough.

Also, I will have to break the news to my mother. Donating blood is still a taboo in majority of middle-class households. She will create a scene at home and send me its commentary on phone. Some of my friends also face the same problem. But, mothers are like that only. She will understand.

The one who lived............

2010-03-31T13:06:00.001+05:30

(This was written around 3 years back- a few months after my grandmother passed away. This is probably my only post I will not fuss about if it is not read-it is a bit too personal. It is just that one of reasons I am posting it here is that I do not want to lose this piece. Frequent breaking down of my laptop has brought about a sense of loss which acquired a entirely new perspective when I somehow came across this piece.)

It brought flushing inside me memories of my own grandmother, dadima to us. Sometimes it seems that she is just beside me , sometimes it seems it had been ages since she called my name . The funny thing that death is , gives every moment of introspection a dual personality.

Dadima was a deeply religious person , as all the woman of her age generally are. She never had a very happy life- getting widowed at an age of 29. But still she had an amazing rock of belief in Almighty. But what amazes me even more is that why I was able to see these things only after she died. She was so religious that once we tried to tell her that man has reached moon , she said that God lives there and flatly refused to believe that any mortal can intrude his abode. Life was going on and she was just like any other member of my family like my parents or my sister. I did not share any special bonding with her as a lot of people do with their grandparents. But then , she died. Dadima just passed away.

Is was not as if she died all of a sudden . She had been suffering from cancer for 2 years . But somehow it made the inevitability of death strike me . And ironically , life around me changed its meaning for me . The notion of having life around me became special from being routine. Earlier, my parents were too by the way for me , they were there because they were meant to be there, but now they are a gift , because they are with me . Funnily enough it took a death to realise me that. Earlier a seat in bus was too precious ; Now every lady is like dadima. Earlier if a friend broke my heart, I wouldn’t have given a damn , now it cries for reversal of time . Probably, that feeling of loss is etched upon. Saying sorry has become easier , because I have realised that there are far more important things in life than one’s ego and certainly far worse thngs than having it damaged. Earlier friends were routine , they were there because they probably needed me. Now every moment with them is to be cherished , because at some other time , they might not be there. The feeling of being with loved ones has changed its complexion , because tomorrow I might be far away , left with only memories and , memories never suffice. Loss is inevitable , just that notion of bidding adieu has changed. And I thank my dadima for that.

(I do not remember what it was. There have been so many events which remind me of her, that it is difficult to pinpoint one. Moreover, I have changed a lot since, but trying to change back to those days.)

Flays Of IPL3

2010-03-24T04:47:00.000+05:30

The IPL completed 10 days on 22nd. And here is my collection of my IPL moments so far, called Flays of IPL3.

The Mascot:-

Shilpa Shetty watched IPL 1 from the confines of her or Raj Kundra’s bedroom. Rajasthan Royals won. For the subsequent season, she decided to take the plunge from the bedroom to the boardroom. Result:- RR finished 6th. And in the third season, they are currently challenging KXi of Punjab for the last spot. That is some good luck. But did somebody say Preity Jinta now????

Catch of the IPL:-

I am tempted to give this to my friend who went to stadium in that match, in which flies were flying faster and in a larger number than sixes. So my friend thought “Lucky Break” and caught 25 of them. Last heard he was being approached by Allout people after the original Allout man’s contract expired. Tap..Tap...Tap..
But it has to be given to the man who cannot be denied- The DADA. Just like crime master GOGO- “Ab aaya hoon to kuch to lekar hi jaaonga.” This season he has batted as if Greg Chappel is after him with a chappal in his one hand and with his other hand showing the most venerable of gestures with which he even obliged Kolkata people once. He has fielded as if he has fixed the game and has not bowled at all for fears of making matters worse. Sachin’s batting yesterday might have brought the feeling that he has rolled back the years. BUT......what Dada did, one cannot say even that. Coz, he had never done even nearly the same earlier, ever. It came from a man who throughout his playing career treated fielding with as much respect as Pakistan treats India’s requests to hand over Hafiz Sayeed. But here he stretched his right hand, jumped in the air as if he was participating in a jalebi race with Nagma not jalebis hanging from the rope above, then he caught the ball ‘s’ , thudded down on the ground and gave a sheepish smile as if his wife has watched all this and also his thought process. Disarmed , was I ? Ohhhh...... Absolutely.

Team of the IPL:- Well....KKR will always remain one of the top dogs for this, with their golden stripes over purple uniform giving stiff competition to old hindi proverb “Ek to karela aur upar se neem chadha” . Aur uske upar se Shahrukh chadha. But this time they are beaten , by the commentary team of Set Max. A team comprising of the likes of Danny “mujhko dekho” Morrison, whose only claim to fame are his BUTTon HOLE shaped eyes, which are used to frighten kids back home and who makes me and them sing,
“Ye kaali kaali ankhen,
Ye gore gore gaal,
Suna hai jo tujhko Morrison,
Hua hai bura haaaaaaahl.”

And then there is LSR, which is out there to obliterate every good memory of Lady Shriram Collge and Love , Sex and Dhokha and putting each one of Lord Lakshman, Shiva, Ram and Krishna to absolute shame by his abject inarticulateness and hyperbole. The only saving grace is Harsha , who might be feeling like Sachin on his tours to Australia and South Africa as captain in late nineties. I sympathise with you Harsha, I really do.

Debut of IPL:-
I just wonder why all the innovations in cricket happen only for the batsmen? Powerplay, free hit, reverse sweep, switch hit, Dilscoop and now mongoose. Batting with it must have felt like playing a facebook game. Take two , three trials and then if you are good enough, you can break a lot of records. And Hayden is more than mere good. The exact count of no of sixes he hit after he made the mongoose debut, is something I do not remember. But what I remember is the sight of a man who used to murder his opponents using a SMG instead given a sniper rifle and a license. Accurate & deadly. But why do they call it mongoose? It kills balls not snake. Pun strictly not intended.

Stat of the IPL:-
I was tempted to give this to the number or non-number, Infinity. That has been the average of Jaques Kallis so far, but that also has been the no of times orgasmic commentators have screamed city moment of success and Karbon Kamal catch .
But the Set Max told me KXIP won against CSK. By 9 wickets. In the super over. Well, a team whose owner happens to be Ness-Less Patty Auntie and which consists of hamara khaata-peeta bachha Yuvvvraj who after the match could go straight to Kake Da Dhabba to advertise their aaloo ke paranthe with butter , could have won by nine wickets, the only way had to be a huge gaffe. And Set Max happily obliged. For the uninitiated, in the Super Over, you only win , not by some number of wickets.

IPL Man of the Moment:-
Nobody deserves this award more than Arun Lal. Nobody lives in the moment more than him. He does not know what happened earlier and he looks like he lives in perennial fear of being sacked the very next moment. So he prefers to live in present. Oblivious to what happened earlier, incongruous to what is going to happen. Watching him in extra inning opposite Gaurav Kapoor is the broadcasting equivalent of a bowler facing Hayden batting on 55 of 31 balls, with a mongoose in hand and killer instinct in mind. Fabulous sight...both.

Player of IPL:-
I want my fake IPl player back. No one is remotely as interesting. Not even Chris Gayle wrapped in baingan aur sona , a black bandana and a beautiful smile. And they are not even playing Sreesanth this year. Not that he is worried. After all he is going to be the icon player of Kocchi next year. If that happens , he will surely be my player of the IPL4. For now , I will go straight and offer this to Sachin. Kallis has scored more runs , but for a lot of Indians including me , Sachin not only makes runs, he makes your insides go upside down. He makes our days instead, not only runs. Kallis can never do that. Period.

Ball of the IPl:-
A ball comes up and then it comes down. And is caught and for a change nobody blares Karbonn Kamal Catch. Coz the ball is pink in colour and is going to be scribbled on by somebody who they simply don’t know. And for the people who catch it, they are happy coz they have got a ball for their sons to play, though it has been dirtied by somebody by scribbling across it. They will go home and erase that using some spirit lest somebody comes to them and asks why Mitchell Marsh and Moise Henriques is written on it and they are left with a face redder than the ball when they do not know who these people happen to be.

And finally shot of the IPL:-
It has not been played yet. It will be when somebody will hit that giant screen flashing “Eligible for the Strategic Timeout”. Till then let’s wait. Huh...bloody cheek .

DING DONG DING

2010-03-15T14:01:00.000+05:30

“Mohini! Mohini! Mohini! Mohini! Ho Ho Ho”

“Namaskar! Namaskar!”

“Kahiye, kya sunenge aap?”

“Aarey pehle yeh kahiye, Kaha thi aap?”

“Main .. Main kar rahi thi kissi ka intezaar”
“Kaun hai woh?”

“Woh .. jisse karti hoon pyaar”

“haai....”

“Aaur.. jisse karti hoon minnate bar-bar”

“Kaise?”

“Aise ...”

“Ek do teen, char paanch che saath aath nau, dus gyarah, barah tera........

The counting can go to 750,000 and some more if you are Bond or Kemar Roach not some club dancer Mohini. Actually it depends on how one takes it. Whether it is number of days for the auction to begin that you wait or how much you expect yourself to be raffled off in. Raffle it is coz may be no other term can reason for the fact that Kieron Pollard goes for the sum he may not ever know the number of zeroes in if it is converted in Indian rupees wheras Ricky Ponting had his contract bought out. And shall we talk about Paris Hilton of cricket? The fresh peacock(MORTAAZA) who is as fresh as a seawater fish you might find in Leh. Khao Piyo aish karo mitron ...and you have a multi-millionaire who is there to pay for you who does not happen to be you. If I would have been CEO of Colors, the first thing I would have done is to contract him for Bigg Boss. In two years, he must have become an expert on how to just doze around and make people talk about you. Whatte fun it is when at the back of you is a man who thinks that $650,000 are like paanch rupaiya , barah aana and whatte fun it is for that man when at the back of him is somebody all dubious. Khao piyo aish karo mitron, dil bhi kisika dukhaya to hota hai kya. But I just sometime wonder whether ever any of them feels like what Rani Mukherjee from Mangal Pandey did in that single most remarkable moment from the movie when she was about to be auctioned off. Utha kar dikhaoon kya?? I wonder whether any of them have been unfortunate enough to have actually seen the movie.

                                   But for me the million dollar question remains whether “The Don” can keep it interesting enough when the opponents are going as far as to have their protagonists killed. Last season SRK offered to sleep with his players to get them to scratch. Now we have graphic evidence that “The Godfather” cannot do the same since he is not so inclined. So will he convince “SRKrishna” to do the honours if need be? Can the thrills and spills “Gay”le and Mah-Linga prove sufficient enough for a relatively straight audience over inane and perceivably cute Balika Vadhu , laliya , chamiya and a Mahajan uncharacteristically charitable with his pervert and debauched giggles, specially so when a DTH provider is around with ads which show not such charitable consequences like single burnt toast if you do not let your wife have her daily share of Saas, Bahu , aansoon and Saazish.
                                  Also recently I read a prominent stakeholder from Rajasthan Royals say that he expects a 300% increase in ticket sales this season. 300%!!! Not taking into account NRIPL2, that means that the sales of tickets in IPL1 were 1/3rd of what they expect now. Now since it is BCCI the likelihood of them having increased seating capacity threefold in 2 years is as likely as this post getting more than 10 views , it means that IPL 1 was a big flop for RR with only 1/3rd of seat occupation. Since IPL is IPl, we know that is not true so, 300% increase!!!! They must have figures out a way like teaching birds and monkeys cricket. We have intelligent people here mate for IPL!!!! Like people who claim that organising a test match gives more returns than a T20 coz a test collects eyeballs for 5 days whereas a T20 for 3 hours or a bit more if you add Extra Innings with Mandira Bedi in it!!!! Isn’t it a bit like saying I can score 100% in an examination if I score 20% in 5 different subjects? Due to the intelligence of the same like-minded people I suppose we are going to have 2 tests in the same time that we are going to have 2 IPLs. See the equation . Equal isn’t it ?

                                                  Simply put, I do not feel right when Dravid’s captaincy is snatched to give it to a stud because he did not do a Lambu Atta to a Malla, “ Maalya, tune mujhe paise diye hain. Mujhe chod de, main tere liye bh*rw*a ban jaoonga. Main Tujhe chaukke-chakke supply karoonga aur tu maje lena . Aur agar main aisa nahi kar paaya to mujhe fire mat karna , mujhe cheel-chaal kar chakka bana de, tujhe chahiye to chakke hi.” Disgusting!!!! And I do not feel right when a P Dogra almost becomes a bigger star than Sachin coz in a match he smashes a G Satish for 2 sixes and 2 fours in an over in which Sachin score just 17. I do not feel right coz it makes my favourite player VVS forget that he has got a joint between his arms and palms called wrists and that he is playing cricket not golf. I do not feel right when after having his eyeballs popped out on seeing the huge prices plyers went for in IPL auction one of my uncles exclaimed to his pregnant wife,” Main apne bête ko cricketer banoonga.” Hope he grows to be a Ranchod Das. I do not feel right coz it makes the end the be all and the end all.   I do not feel right coz it makes people like Lalit Modi believe that they can make a baseball-ized form of cricket popular in America. And I do not feel right coz may be he will. That for me will be the second time cricket will die. The first will be obviously when Sachin retires.
                                   Can Ipl be like premier league as is envisaged by Modi? I doubt that will happen till the time Sachin retires form IPL. Coz he is one man who is greater than the game in India. Sample this , in a game last year , everybody save one in my hostel common room was cheering Malinga when he was up facing Rajat Bhatia last season . And my college is in Delhi. Do I need tell anyone why? When Rooney left Everton for Man Utd, I doubt if any of Everton supporter started cheering Man Utd in a Mu-Everton match. In BPL, there are clubs, here there are players. Secondly , suppose I come from Bihar, what team do I cheer for? In Uk, every Tom , Dumb and Harry has a team to cry hoarse for. And “Don” thinks that he will rectify that by creating new teams like Bihari Baboos and UP’s Bhaiyaas. But he will make me hate it even more for the reasons stated above.

                                But Ipl is not a can of worms. It gives a 22 year old rookie player an opportunity to have an apartment in a locality in one year in which Sachin took ten to have one. No one should grudge him that. If Rooney can be a multi-millionaire at 21, it gives at least them a chance to feel that India is not a third-world country anymore. Because of this may be a player who is good enough for only U-19 or so and not at par to be selected for national team will not commit suicide. Cricket is a religion in India and there are droves of youngsters who follow it like none other exists. And there are only 15 spots up for grabs . National or Ranji.. It can kindle the hope into a lot of youngsters from cricketing backwaters that someday they can make the graduation from bat-ball khela to cricket game. What Ipl does is not only it provides them hope for good money but also good opportunity. Few industries in India do so. And that is what pains me – Cricket is fast turning into an industry. But that gives rise to a multi-million dollar question- How will a bread infected with fungus taste to you if you have not eaten anything for 10 days? Will you go for taste or your life? And it gives rise to a billion dollar question- Why did we allow to come things to this?

                   So here I am, I might hate it , but can’t ignore it. I might feel that a plenty of matches are fixed given the way DC crumpled against KKR with their batsmen suddenly starting to play tennis instead of cricket. Will they have played the same shots if they had turned out in their national colours? There are doubts aplenty , but that does not stop me to have a peep inside the common room whenever I cross by. And invariably it is IPL playing. I wish I could say Let the magic begin, but I will have to settle for Let the Tamasha begin.

RAH RAH SACHIN

2010-02-25T15:56:00.000+05:30

Chota Munh Badi Baat...........................

A few days ago while watching T.V I suddenly felt that the purpose of my life has been fulfilled. For him even the thought of being greater than the game is a sacrilege, but what can he do when it is thrust on him. It was like an orgasm of happiness and nostalgia.That was when he score that 175. It happened again yesterday. A low rung writer like me can do no justice to what happened yesterday lest the images get vilified, memories get sullen. So, here I will post the related articles from net from far more accomplished and articulate writers. On my part I will shut my eyes and reminisce in my mind and only say, Wah Ustaad......

About Sachin- Kambli( A tale of two terrors)

Prem Panicker follows some tweets

GreatBong on that 175

Harsha Bhogle on 13 year old Sachin( A must read)

John Stern- Tendulkar, A thank you.

Just read this forum

Thank God it is Tendulkar- Sharda Ugra

Sachin Proves that you can be a sporting icon without being a sporting monster

The old Scahin radiated heat. The new one gives light.

But he remains the sun.(www.greatbong.net)
The cricinfo editor is sorry , or is he sweet?
Aakash Chopra - Breaking down the double

I will keep updating the list as and when I come across other noteworthy articles

THe MaD ADs

2010-02-24T21:49:00.000+05:30

Last week we had cultural fest in our college DCE called “engifest”. In this there was an event called “Ad Lampoons” in which one had to make an advertisement. Me and my friend group participated. I promised quite a few of my friends that I will post the ads we made for the competition. I hoped that at least this might result in some blog traffic. But I forgot that I am no ad maker and have the imagination of a goldfish and more importantly I forgot to ask somebody to record them. So there you go ...But I do not quite have the memory of the goldfish and I can tell you the concept and execution from my memory. After all if we can have ads on radio, I can as well come here to tell you to buy this and that.

The competition had a qualifying round , in which , we had to make an ad on any product we fancy. What we did is described below in as graphic a manner as I can manage.

There is a elderly person- played by my friend Lovlesh – sitting on floor with a mobile phone in his hand trying to crack it open in as earnest in a manner possible.

Enters a young man played by another friend Vishwadeep. (I have kept the conversations in the language they were made in.)

“Are Uncle ji, ye kya kar riye ho?”

“Wo kuch dhoondh riya tha.”

“Par mobile ko kyun tod rahe ho? Mobile ke andar ghus baithi hai kya?”

“Haan”

“Abe kya bewakoofi bhari baatein kar riye ho. Kya hai wo?

“Wo kal main ek cheez khayi thi. Badi acchi thi . Chip kahe ja rahe the use. Aaj subah padha ki mobile mein bhi Chip hoye hai. So use nikal riya hoon . Uncle to main hoon hi, ye chip nikal aave to Uncle Chip ban jaye . Fir maje mein khaoonga.”

At this point a character played by me jumped in and started bellowing while kicking out the Uncle and his mobile. “Uncle Chipps, No confusion, great combination.”

Well, however big a groaner this ad might have been , we got selected. Well it was more to do with the fact that the majority of the organisers were our friends. Anyway.....

In the second round, we were asked to design an ad for MRF if they venture into Soap/Shampoo business.

We had around 15-20 mins to conceptualize, practice and enact the ad. So here it is,

There were more characters in it which I will introduce as and when they appear. There was a narrator, which was played by me. So the scene opens thus....

Narrator(n)-

Aaiye aapko dikhate hain MRF shampoo ke tarah tarah ke upyog.

Enter two people –one Jhandu played by Lovlesh, and another Kamina played by Vishwadeep. Kamina applies the shampoo on his hair and Jhandu who looked pure dumbass figures that since it is from MRF, it must be for use on tyres. So,

N-

Ek ne lagaya baal par aur doosre ne lagaya car ke tyre par.

Enters my friend Abhishek who plays a girl called Haseena . Both approach her on their bikes.

-Aur ye hai haseena

Ek hai jhandu, doosra Kameena.

When they approach her, both apply brakes, Jhandu’s bike skids off as it became extra smooth due to use of MRF shampoo. Kameena takes off with Haseena on his bike.

N-

Jhandu ka nikla paseena ,

haseena ko le gaya kameena.

MRF Shampoo, Kuch Bhi Smooth Kare.

So that was it. We won the first prize. But that was more to do with the fact that the organisers were our friends and the number of other participants was probably not more than 3, some of whom were there with crap like Main bahut pareshan tha, meri height bahut kam thi. and so on.

I was the scriptwriter, dialogue writer, director, music director, lyricist for the play. (I paid everyone of these 500 each to claim the credits. And anyway, they do not blog.Hehe.)

P.S- The links given are of orkut profiles.

Image courtesy www.ugc.dhingana.com

Mera Naam Hai Chamili

2010-02-13T18:30:00.000+05:30

Mera naam hai chamili

Main hoon plumber albeli,

Chali aayi main akeli,

ThakRey ke ghar se.

Uska pot tha bilkul toota,

Usme atak gaya tha uska lota,

lote ko nikala maine badi zor se.

Aur haan , meri chaal bhi hai matwali.

(video link)

And you know, I had a lot of difficulty doing that. I hate yellow colour na.I know that the pot is white, but somethimes,it is not what is outside that matters, but what is inside that matters, and inside ThakRey's it is all yellow yellow, you know. Are I am talking about his pot only re, but you know what I mean, you naughty.....I know. And remember,

My name is Chamili.

And I am not toilet saaf karne waali

I am a plumber re.

I know I might remind you of that Chameli or this Chameli but, I am Chamili re.I am as sweet as that you know and even uglier than before, but this time I have my husband Kajal Johnokhan for company. No, not that Kajal from Hum Paanch re, she was a girl re,not a boy. For a long time I used to think of her as boy, but then after marriage I realised that she is a girl. You know I have Asperger’s syndrome na, that is why. God programmed me with that syndrome. He actually wanted to program me with Autism , but that is coded in java , Asperger’s in C. It is easy to program , you C . Only a, b, C.So, now I am like a programmed robot.So sweet.But, Kajal is also sweet. Sweeter than me even . I first thought that he must be suffering from Autism to marry me. But then after marriage I came to know that actually he wanted to adopt me . It would have been an added advantage. You see, I am also a plumber na, specializing in toilets. But then he was not allowed to adopt a big lady like me. But then , with someone one with Aspirer’s syndrome , no Asperger’s syndrome like me , It does not really matter whether you marry or adopt, does it?

And then, you know, mere marad ne mujhe ghar se bahar nikal diya . What did I do? Just I tried to revive his son, who fell into a drain which I forgot to repair. And tried to bring him to life with an electric shocker which I had repaired to function at 10 volts but which gave a current at 100 instead. So he died. But I was able to remove the black marks due to electricity by using choona-choona. See, I can repair almost anything. Even the dead, you see.

Last week I saw 3 idiots. My favorite scene was when Amir was taking bath in the bathroom. I am the plumber na. So, in ThakRe’s house, I installed a pump operated pot. You don’t have to apply pressure to relieve yourself there. No more sounds like aaah …aaah ..aah then aha…. like that come from his toilet now. You see , I don’t like loud noises as well, na.

Now, my husband wanted me to meet the person who invented the toilet and learn the skill of repairing toilets. Did I say I can repair almost anything. Please notice that " almost". So, I am off to meet him. I have visited many toilets, but I have not found him yet. Does he go to toilets? Silly question , he must be. But I suffer from Asperger’s syndrome no, so like tubelight you know..

And now I am off to Will-she-mean-kya. It is a place in northern jungles. It was visited by Katrina last yesterday. Not the hurricane baba,Kaif re.Katrina kaif. Haan haan real waali. She went there to learn aping skills from a monkey. She thinks if she can speak hindi then it will be good to promote Rajneeti. Nahi re, she will not learn hindi from the monkey, only nakal. Then she will be able to imitate Prakash Jha well. But what to do, she caught dysentry there. Loose motion. Everybody knows that she does not know how to act. I am letting you a liitle secret . She doesnot know how to act, and she does not know how to clean her toilet either. That is why I am going there. But let me remind you,

My name is chamili,

and I am not a toilet saaf karne waali.

I am a plumber re.

But she is Katrnia re.

So I am going. I have seen on T.V that there is a lot of foul smell out there. That is all caused by Katrina- When she has visited the toilet and when she has not. All the wild animals have fled the jungle therefore. Actually half of the animals had already fled when they came to know that Katrina is visitng. They thought that Salman will come too. but he did not. Guess he knew about the gastronomic variations of Katrina. Now, don't ask me that how did I remember "Gastronomic" if I have Asperger's syndrome. If I can remember Asperger's then I can remember Gastronomic as well. Now don't go into much details. I remember the choiciest of abuses as well. Teri maa ki...

Do you think that I have stretched my story too far? Yes, I also think so. I am late by 25-30 mins now. I must go. You know , even the monkeys have fled. So I must hurry. I might get to meet that man who invented toilet there. And If I do,Kajal will adpot me once again.

And yes, please remember, that the story of my life is as true as Mehnaz herbal beauty products and PBC. What did you say? Liar, liar, pants on fire? But that is my dialogue , Cheater cock.But, let me turn back and see. Oh yes....I am burning. I want to cry, but I can't. I just don't understand if I can remember "Asperger's" why can't I remember how to cry. Where are my stones now......

Bacche Man ke Sachhe

2010-02-07T01:14:00.001+05:30

This happened at the book fair today. There was a dog which was a stray dog, and there was a girl who was not a stray girl. But far more importantly, they had one thing in common- they were both small, charming, spontaneous. This may be was the first time I found a dog cute.

The girl quietly walked up to the dog and picked it up. And the pup quietly got into her lap. Picking a teddy bear was never easier.
The mother came running,
"Leave it , dress dirty ho jayegi

The girl gave her a look which said," I want him"

"Are chor do, beemar ho jaogi."

The girl gave her a look which said," I want him"

"Neeche rakho. Dekho naani aa rahi hain." And a reincarnation of Lalita Pawar walked in.

The girl gave her a look , which said,"I want him, not her."

But after some squabbling, the girl was allowed to keep him. For the whole duratiion, the dog never tried to leave the girl.

I have never seen a more sweet, endearing, charming and affectionate sight in my life. Was there some kind of instant bonding between two? Forget Zoo Zoo, where are those Vodafone people man?

Bacche kisi ke bhi ho, sabhi kitne innocent hote hain!!!!

Why I have never had a girlfriend

2010-02-03T04:32:00.000+05:30

Yesterday I was strolling around the campus with my friend when he got a message from his girlfriend. It went thus,

Santa went to his girlfriend's father to ask for marriage between her and him.
Her father was a Sardar and he replied with a lot of pride," Oye, tu meri beti se shaadi karega. Tujhe pata hai, jitni teri monthly salary hai, itne mein to uska toilet paper bhi nahi aayega. Tu shaadi karega??"

Santa replied calmly," Je inni ta*ti kardi hai wo, fir to rahne hi do."

My friend asked me what to reply to this. I advised to reply," Tera baap sardaar hai kya?"

Well, he followed suit. A couple of hours later, there were two more additions to my kind of people in the world i.e. singles.

That is why................

Rann & the other one

2010-02-03T03:58:00.000+05:30

Ram Gopal Verma knows two ways of making movies. One is how to make a movie and other is that he does not know how to make a movie. The last time he was RGV was when he made Bhoot . I did not like Sarkar ; it was less likeable than the Godfather. And it was definitely far inferior than the book. Godfather the book was more about relationships, the aura , the undercurrent and human nature and its vagaries. Sarkar was more about Amitabh, the expressionless Abhishek , the mercurial Kay Kay and above all RGV, the middle name for which he presume was G for GOD not GOPAL. The actors became bigger than the characters and the movie for me ended up in sketches which were devoid of colours and life. Post that repeatedly our Darling RGV, tried to Phoonk away all his credentials for some entirely Agyaat reasons in his own RGV ki AAG. But when RGV decides to be RGV, few forces in world can join Company. Rann reminds you of all RGV is capable of . But when I entered the theatre , there were all of18 people inside it. Yes, I counted them. It reminded me of another aspect of RGV which he is capable of. He can scare people off theatres even without his darawane attempts. He will do well to remind himself that to keep his antics like GO and Shiva - to mention a few others - to himself , so that a genuine effort like Rann can generate viewership. Yes, Rann is good. And there are several reasons for that. One being his desperation to save a sinking ship. RGV that is. It is not in class of Company or Satya, but then a lot of movies we have been calling good were not there either. At least it is far better than classics like Darna mana hai and its sequel Aahat-Part2. (read:Darna jaroori hai.)

Moving on , I really do not remember the last time two ,movies as different as RGV and Vishal Bhardwaj released on the same day , and I walked out with the same heady feeling for the two. Ishqiya is like one of the dialogues in it,”Ishq mein sab bewajah hota hai.” A lot of things in Ishqiya is bewajah (illogical) , but still the movie is like Ishq- titillating, steamy, spicy, raunchy. To use another reference from the movie –the Ishq I am talking about is not like one feels for a Pari. But the type one nurtures for a Tawayaf. And for that very reason it falters . Like an elusive lover it occasionally and finally frustrates you. A sense of emptiness adds to that feeling of “What could have been”. Even though the film carries an unmistakeable watermark of Vishal Bhardwaj, the hands of a inexperienced director show up although a promising pair one must say.

Talking about watermark, let me return to Runn. The Film has got a distinct , almost opaque watermark of Sarkar. RGV could have easily named this movie Rannkar. Except for the fact that Kay Kay was better than Sudeep and Ritesh is far better than –ankhiyon se only goli mare- Abhishek Abhishek. And yes, did Sudeep put drugs in his cigarette and smoke? Please somebody take away cigarettes from the dude man. Cigarette chadhti hai us ko. Was not cigarette smoking banned on screen? On second thoughts, government should give out video of Jai smoking with every packet of cigarettes. More people will quit than they would if it was banned altogether. And talking of bans, why can’t Neetu Chandra be banned from Indian films? She is getting more irritating than when I get shut in room with friends watching stupid English sitcoms which are “Chandra-ishly” irritating specially so when they guffaw out loudly now and then and yours truly is left wondering what the big deal is.

Another reason I liked Rann was because how it surprised me. I had never expected this from RGV of AAg fame. And no I am not talking about the script. It is as predictable as Ekta Kapoor; I was able to guess almost every next scene. But still the movie retained its raciness for almost the entire length even for someone with a prejudiced mind like me. Now , that is an achievement and that is why it was a surprise. Another surprise was Mohnish Behl. Now do you remember him? Then you might remember when he did act as well as in Rann. May be before he jumped on the Rajshri bandwagon. Did he do any movies earlier? I really don’t remember , so please if anyone does, let me know. He just about manages to avoid being in your face, avoid being hysterical, in short just manages to avoid being Rajshri-ish. Another actor who is a surprise was Rajpal Yadav, but for entirely opposite reasons. In the performance of these two actors lies the maverick RGV. He can make Behl act as he has never ever had , and can make Rajpal Yadav a cringing force he has never been . All for the cause, but he comes a bit hard on senses. As for rest , Amitabh when he acts poorly is news and he has not done that since Lal Badhshah. He was passable even in Hum Kaun Hain. Apart from him , the movie has got a cast which is bigger than the one in even Kahani Ghar Ghar ki.And the best thing is that only Neetu Chandra is worse than Parvati Maiya. About the others, Gul Panag was gul for most of the movies, and anyway they all looked like cinematic version of Mayawati.

The talk of lady characters bring me back to Ishqiya. But first tell me that is there anyone, who writes dialogues better than Vishal Bhardwaj. and better than Guljar to weave songs around those dialogues? Of course we are presently discounting the dialogue writer of movie “Gunda” otherwise he will win hands down. You can’t ignore a person who gave gems like, “Main hoon Bulla , rakhta hoon sab kuch khulla” and “Mera naam hai Ibu Hatela, maan meri chudail ki beti, baap mera shaitan ka chela, khaega kela?” and “mera naam hai pote, jo apne baap ke bhi nahi hote.” But we will talk about that jab maine apne maathe se gunda nahi dekhne ka kalank dho diya hoga. I am getting senti here, so lets get back to the point.

I wanted to write a post on Runn , but see what I am talking about. Some movies are like that. Like Gunda, Like Ishqiya. One can’t help when one is so fresh in mind. Ishqyia has its rough edges, but they seem to be carved in perfection. Has there ever been a bigger tharki than Arshad ? Has anybody been ever able to portray that swift transition from rouge to suave better than Naseer? And will not talk about Vidya. It will sour the memories. They are best left untouched, unshared. But the movie trudges slowly, and its twists do not appear like twists. But still it has got a fleeting spark within itself, right from the disclaimer, which says that the characters are imaginary to a large extent. . But the spark is the problem, coz it is too intermittent, more so under the air of huge expectations I carried with myself into the theatre.

For me this week the seasoned player trumped the debutante by a thin margin, but I suspect if Runn will do well. RGV has created such a market which is keener on not buying his product because of his antics which he translated into movies. Here is the proof. Abhishek Chaubey comes with no such baggage. That is an advantage, more so , if you happen to be from Vishal Bhardwaj stable .

Auction again......

2010-01-29T14:49:00.001+05:30

In a surprising development, HUL which manufactures Ponds’ age miracle cream has announced its new brand ambassadors. Till yesterday the speculation was rife that the brand will sign the eternal beauty Rekha or Hema Malini for a humongous sum as actresses are generally reluctant to accept their old age, more so publicly. But surprising everybody, the company has decided to sign Pakistan cricketer Shahid Afridi for a sum of $850,000. And not only that, he will be the global brand ambassador for the product. Reports from Pakistan state that ever since being signed, Afridi has cut his middle finger and stuck it on the top of Burj Khalifa , with the background saying, “F**k IPL.” Apparently after the snub from IPL, Afridi thinks that his middle finger is of no further importance to him and could not have been put to a better use. Moreover, he has been saying anybody who cares to listen that, “Chehra dikhane ke paise nakhre dikhane se jyaada milte hain.”
Elaborating on the perceived eccentricities of the choice, the CEO of the HUL clarified, “The selection was quite a fair and a competitive process decided by a novel bidding process between our major shareholders. For the record, Rekha , Hema Malini, Amitabh Bacchan or even Marilyn Monroe did not receive any bids at all. Whereas, Umar Akmal , 17 year old prodigy had a bid of $510,000, Abdur Razzak, a bid of $650,000, but the winner hands down was Shahid Afridi with a winning bid of $850,000.The price war is reportedly triggered by the entry of the Pakistan U-19 team into the world cup finals for the third consecutive time. There must be something right with either their genes, their creams or their birth certificates. But, being less than 19 years, they cannot sign contracts , so we had to settle for Afridi. But they are our next major targets. As for Afridi, even after hitting the fastest century , fathering two daughters, being dropped and picked numerous times, he has magnificently managed to stay rooted at 29 years forever. If this is not a age miracle, what is? And we at Ponds’ age miracle are proud to be associated with another age miracle. An intelligent person once said, “The more the things change , the more they remain the same.” Nothing exemplifies it more than the age of these Pakistani prodigies.”

An on field incident is shown in pictures below which further confirms the Afridi’s credentials to be quite apt for the brand.

From another file photograph of ours we show you another example of the kind of fan
following Afridi has. Just note that everybody in the family looks so young, howsoever bored, even the dog.

P.S-
As per the breaking news the company has grand pans to bring about an age miracle cream for the dogs as well, for which also Afridi will be the brand ambassador. This decision was taken after the company ,management came across the above photograph, highlighting the adulation Afridi enjoys even among the canine community.

(On all photographs, please click to enlarge)

A tale of 2 interviews- Part 1

2010-01-21T14:57:00.000+05:30

This winter when I was at home, some very “caring” uncles and aunties did so well to remind me that next year I will have to sit for my placement interviews. I have always had a rather dim view for these uncles and aunties who always come across with supremely irritating “been there, seen that, done that" attitude. No matter how much you have slogged for engineering they know more about engineering colleges than you do. No matter how many foreign trips you have been to, they will always know about USA more than you even if their impeccable knowledge tells them that Bill Clinton still rules Amreeka and with it the world. They are more eager to have me placed than me or even my Dad who incidentally doesn’t want me to sit for interviews instead goading me to go for higher studies. Apparently he has no problems whatsoever with further continuation of my worthless ways.

The mention of “interviews” brings back memories of the first two interviews I gave in my life.

First was one when I was in class VI for RIMC (Rashtryia Indian Military College). And the next was when I was in class VII for my school(Bishop Westcott Boys' School, Ranchi) . I was naive, a bit innocent, a bit ignorant and above all was totally unfamiliar with what actually an interview is. Looking back I always wish that I could rekindle that bit of innocence and ignorance in my present life as well, but I realise that I have got a bit more familiar with the worldly ways which do not permit such kinds of sweet indulgences or else the term nostalgia will cease to exist.

The first one was for admission to RIMC. I was in class VI and given earlier the written for it and then was to appear for the interview. I knew nothing about the interview courtesies and the only one I extended to the board members was a curt “May I come in”. To which I was replied, “Yes please and take your seat.”

I was not sure whether it was morning or noon, so I didn’t wish them on that front either. Anyways from their expressions it was evident that morning or noon it was not going all that good for them. Moreover in front of six army officer who quite possibly pride themselves on the matters of decorum and discipline, my lack of perceptible manners must have been quite a sacrilege. Anyways they apparently did not lack them, so they did offer me a seat. I took it without saying even thanks to them. Well, I did not know that one ought to do that. Well, I had never thanked even my parents for anything in my life. Simply I have never felt any need to do so. And I quite simply reasoned again that I didn’t need to do so for these rather dangerous looking people either. So in the end I simply sat. May be they did not expect such behaviour and I could see some brows rising. Anyways they decided to continue.

“ So Mr. Sumit,..which school do you come from ?”

Now, when this happened, the school I was studying in did not give me the papers stating that I was a bonafide student of that school which was essential to appear for the RIMC examination. The reasons for such largesse shown by one of my alma mater, I cannot really recall at the moment. So I assume that being a very good student they were rather “reluctant” to let me slip out of their hands...... Just kidding, actually.

So my Dad had arranged me to fill the form from a governmental school in the locality using a bit of his influence. That, strictly speaking, was a bit illegal. But what was more troublesome for me , I was going to realise in a few moments into the interview hall.

“Sir the name of my school is “Rajkiya Rajpoot Madhyamik Vidyalaya.”

“But, Mr. Sumit the form we have in our hands says something different...It is....”

But before he could continue , my already racing mind was fast searching for an reason to this anomaly. I had still not realized the deep s**t I had landed myself in. And I figured that maybe my Dad had finally arranged a certificate from my school, my genuine one that is. So I promptly interrupted him while he was pronouncing my death sentence as I realized later.

“Sir, Sir please wait a moment. In that case the name of my school happens to be Rose Public School.”

Well, the look he gave me was as if I had slapped him once and asked him to present his other cheek in accordance to the Gandhian principle.

“I beg to differ Mr. Das. In that case, I think, we should proceed further without inquiring whether you suffer from Alzheimer at this very young age.” He taunted in a voice as if I had asked for his daughter’s hand for marriage.

Everybody other than me guffawed out loud at this pathetic joke. Maybe I would have also done so if I had known what Alzheimer is .

“So, Mr. Das, which district does the school you study in falls in? Well, either of your two schools will do.” The other member asked in a same voice as of his colleague.

I don’t intend to marry twice you Idiots.

“Sir , Madhubani.”

“So what is your place known for?”

“Sir, I think Madhubani Paintings.”

“So, can you please name some of the famous painters for us?”

I thought hard, but could not recall any. It was only later that I came to know that there are so many that even if I could come up with names like Ganga Devi, Yamuna Devi, Saraswati Devi, Kaveri Devi, Gandak Devi or even Budhi Gandak Devi, everything would have passed muster.

“Anyways , Mr. Das what do you want to become when you grow up?”

“Sir, I want to be a cricket player.”

Now, you go to the entrance interview for a military school and you say that you want to be a cricket player instead of a Major or a Lieutenant , there are high chances that they will give you such a kick up your backside that you will land straight into a cricket academy. But they were civilised people, much more than what I was and thus held themselves back. Maybe they would have done well had they done so.

“Ok, Mr.Das, what is your favorite sport.”

In my opinion, they gave themselves away with this. They were basically a stupid bunch of people who were sent to conduct an interview coz Indian Army had no apparent use for them. It is not much good asking David Bekham his favorite sport, is it?

“Sir, it is cricket.” I replied.

“So can you please tell me where are third man and long on stationed in a cricket match?”

Finally I was able to give a correct answer in the interview. They did not ask me my name or else that count could have gone up, but that was not to be. At this point , they were sufficiently fed up and asked me to leave . They did not forget to add “It was a pleasure meeting you Mr.Das.” Obviously it was more false a declaration than Bush saying there are WMDs in Iraq.

After a farce like that, expecting an admission was akin to asking out Katrina Kaif and not having being thrashed by Salman. So I did not even bother checking the results. So finally I didn't even care at the last. Good riddance was the only feeling that surged through me.

Pichle Saat Dino Mein....

2010-01-19T20:47:00.000+05:30

A few days back, it was in news that Shahid Kapoor was miffed at Utv for refusing to promote the movie citing the no-brand value of Shahid and Genelia “brand” . Shahid was going something like, “ Fab kaminey hain, Faale fab ke fab.” I saw it yesterday and half an hour into the movie, you realise that actually Ronnie Screwala is quite a businessman. He obviously had seen the movie and then wanted to save money and also wanted to earn money and he did not want to turn his viewers away so he did that whatever he did. Well, I started reading a business newspaper today and realized that it is as complicated a stuff as my last sentence, and Ronnie Srewvala is quite a businessman. So he tricked Shahid and me and my friends to do what he wanted. So, I went to watch the movie and quite soon realised that had Shahid actually seen the movie after acting in it, he might have saved his spleen for the scriptwriter and the music director instead of Ronnie. And this is supposed to be a musical . Kambakht Ishq was a better "musical", and considering it was from Anu "bebo main bebo" Malik, that is saying something. Shahid tries his best, hams as Srk does , dances as he usually does, but the people in charge contrive against him rather painfully. Reminds me of another bright talent Ranbir Kapoor who in my opinion is still waiting for the script to justify his abilities. Shahid has had Kaminey and Jab we met, but they have been disconcertingly interspersed with a kismat konnection , fool and final and now this. The last movie I watched before this was 3 Idiots and that was only 4 days back . Chance pe Dance doesn’t even tempts comparisons in even the remotest of the senses. I was called an idiot for about 15 days for having not seen 3 Idiots yet. I am again in danger of being called an idiot for having watched Chance pe Dance.

Last few days have been a bit interesting for me . Of course new year arrived , I came back to college, we played Sri Lanka again, and lost or won , I don’t know. Domestic cricket has been more interesting. Mumbai won while I wanted Karnataka to prevail , but importantly BCCI lost as well . And they say IPL is reviving domestic cricket. And also I watched these two movies. And talking of movies, these days there is a lot of autism and Khan on T.V. They have been promoting it all right. But to me it started in all earnest on 15th August 2009 . If I remember correctly, a certain soul was detained a few months back at an airport in US and he cried hoarsely for everyone to listen,” My name is Khan. My name is Khan”. And dear me, did everyone oblige . For me, that was the first look, and the first step. Anyways, by the looks of it, by the end of February it seems that I am going to have a enormously huge punching bag. But, sigh... I will have to wait for that. And by looking at the attempt of SRK to play both Darsheel and Hrithik of KMG rolled into one sprinkled with shades of New York, I know that the wait is going to be an impatient one. Just one doubt for now, no disrespect intended but can autistic people get it up to produce children?

I also watched 3 Idiots , finally. But even before it was released, I knew that I would love it . Coz, one I am also an engineering student.. And two, I am also not doing engineering coz I love nuts and bolts, but because it provides me with the best chance to reserve a secure future for myself. And since I don’t want my college to hand me over a college leaving certificate before I am eligible to have one in case they come across this post, I will like to state that to study in a good college like mine , also gives me the luxury and leisure to pursue my hobbies which in my case happen to be only sleeping. Coming back to the movie, it was what I had expected. Hilarious, well scripted, superb , with punching dialogues, but still a bit jingoistic and melodramatic at places . But essentially the best thing about the movie is that it has its heart in place which is important for a flick like 3 Idoits which basically tries to be a heartwarming tale. There have been criticisms like the movie is far from reality and all that . But remember DCH? That was a movie which was far from reality. College is not all about fests, chicks , love stories , which is even more true in the case of an engineering college. But didn’t we all love DCH ? And who knows, If one has nothing to lose as in case of Rancho, one might end up giving a lecture to a professor as well. Criticisms remind me that the people who created this education system which is nothing but essentially an examination system were also human beings like us likes of which still exist.

Moving on, I returned to my college and also to Delhi in the process. It was cold in Bihar as well, my native place, but coming here makes me feel as if Delhi has never known summer. I have forgotten how it feels like to wear a thin shirt with a thin jeans and a pair of chappals. And everyday my classes start at 9 . Maybe my professor saw 3 Idiots and they felt it was high time to show that they are the one still in charge. Reverse inspiration, you see.

Back home , . I had a trip to my father's in laws, my naanighar that is. When on vacation, if you are married, a trip to your in-laws is mandatory, and if otherwise, a trip to your father's in-laws is mandatory. HaHa kanoon(law) ke haath bahut lambe hote hain. Sorry for the suicidal PJ. The trip was quite eventful as I met some quite quirky characters, quirkier than even me , so they stuck in memory. While I was there, they had another guest. He was a student who had come to give a scholarship test by Brilliant Tutorials, a coaching institute for IIT training. I had a chat with him

“To Bhai, kis class mein padhte ho?”( In Bihar, that is the standard line when you start a conversation with a young child. No wonder Patna has almost 1000 coaching institutes for IIT preparation. )

“ Eight going to Nine” Pat came the reply. Wonder why he was in such a hurry to grow up.

“ To IIt karna hai”

“Haan.”

“Kyun?”

A pregnant pause followed . Just that I thought that it was pregnant but it was followed by another long pause and then another till I realised it is not an artistic pregnant pause but just a detrimental, confused one. Had I seen 3 Idiots then , I might have tried playing Baba Ranchoddas, but I hadn’t . Maybe even if I had seen the flick, I still would not have tried coz I later came to know that the guy has been preparing for IIT since class VI and had already qualified in another scholarship test taken by Fiitjee , another factory for IIT students. His father was visibly proud of him. I just wondered whether the child is intelligent belying his age or his parents are foolish belying their ages. Class VI !!! Are they serious? When I was in one, only thing that was there was Science. Physics and Chemistry were when one slipped his tongue saying Patna and Calcutta. And a child there is trying for IIT!!! Don’t know whether expectations have gone up, competition has gone up, population has gone up or simply stupidity has gone up. I would much rather prefer somebody like my mausi’s daughter. She is also in VIII, and is quite vivacious, likes to talk and importantly behaves like her age and thinks that that father-son duo is nothing more than a walking hoarding for FIITJEE.

Another quirk I met was one astrologer. My uncle has great belief in him and took me there. He has predicted for one of my cousins that she will get into civil services. But there is a catch- she wants to get into engineering. So, being a highly knowledgeable person, he promptly replied that ok then, she might get into civil engineering. And my uncle took him word for word. Now even before she has passed her XIth examination she is told to study chapters like solid and fluid mechanics which might be beneficial for her “civil engineering.” He had also “examined” many other persons from my family as well like my father and my uncle as well.

I felt whatever shreds of belief I had evaporating when the man took out my kundali from a computer software. Then also I had a surge of hope that if not anything , I can at least be an astrologer. And I will definitely not be a dumb one like this . He had a look at that and declared that I will be a businessman when what I am doing is engineering. The amusement continued when he declared that as I grow up, my attachment towards my family will fade away. I had had enough and decided to get back at him . I asked, “You also examined my father. Was it there in his future that his son will leave him?”

He was stumped and tried his best to wriggle out which he eventually did with a little help from my uncle. But I decided not to give up so easily. He had told my Dad that in life everything he wishes comes true and things come easily to him. Now, this statement is as much an eyewash as the death in Ekta Kapoor’s serials is. So I tried to bounce back, “You said that my Father gets everything he wishes for. He won’t wish for his only son to leave him? Now. Will he ?”

By this point I was sure that in the next few minutes I was going to be murdered by either my uncle or by jyotishi baba. May be even he would have not envisaged such a swift end for me . Possibly to keep the sanctity of his predictions intact, he refrained from doing so. Anyways I had already realised that it is time to choose between my spite and my life and in spite of everything , the decision was not overly tough. So I decided to purse my lips for the next hour or so.

One more thing happened in the last few days. I became a member of Indibloggies where I registered my blog as a personal one. So I wrote such a long personal post in case they come checking. Though going by the frequency of visits my blog records by somebody other than me surely no one will bother.

P.S.- First day back in college I had a lab of metallurgy , the teacher asked us , “What is brittleness?”

“Sir, it is the property by which a metal breaks easily.” Almost everyone answered coz this has been standard question in every semester since the time I entered this college.

“Par definition kya hai definition?” He mocked us.

As usual a silence prevailed. And then he replied.

“ It is the property by the virtue of which , a material has got an appreciable length between its yield point and the facture point in its stress-strain graph.” He replied with a mixture of a winning and mocking smile.

So much for the breaking . Clearly somebody has not seen something which he should have.

UNVIELED

2009-12-30T22:12:00.000+05:30

We are proud to announce another remarkable addition in our glittering list of previous brand ambassadors like Bill Clinton, Silvio Berlusconi, Nikolas Sarkozy. May I present to you our next and perhaps most apt brand ambassador till date, ex-because of sex- Governor of Andhra Pradesh 85 years young Mr. N.D. Tiwari. A truly inspirational figure for all the Japani Tel users . May he continue to inspire us with his jidhar dekhi naari, udhar aankh maari ways till the end of his days and keep increasing our pride and selling stocks. And remember, Tel ko maliye, Kaam par chaliye.

We are truly yours,
Phuc Pho Lai
CEO,
Japani Tel Ltd.

NO 1

2009-12-12T11:37:00.000+05:30

Yay, we are the no.1...... NO.1 NO.1 No.1. And if I couldn't believe it yet by now, every English , Hindi, Urdu, Bengali , Marathi, Bhojpuri, etc etc news channel has strained every nerve and sinew to infuse my mind , body and soul with this earth-shattering, zamin-hilaoing bit of information. Everyone. probably except CNN . They care as much about cricket as we do about global warming. But we are NO.1. Australia teri monkey(or maa ki) , POM POM POM, you baby bums. And Proteas.... unko karo khallas.

We are the NO 1. So what if they had Kangaroo curry in Kangaroo land and after all the bandar shorba we tried, all we were left with was maa ki, behan ki and Irfan Pathan's fiancee. We are the NO 1.

And all hail the Almighty and omniscient BCCI ,who of course foresaw it years back when it designed the FTP for India. After all, you remain champions until you lose to any other team .And in order to lose, you have to play. And since Bangladesh has been begging us for a test series for the last 4 years, lets us oblige them then. Since it wouldn't be the world cup, it is rather unlikely that we would lose. Damn those ICC rankings which will automatically dethrone us in time to come. This is the BCCI way of setting benchmarks. Anybody who becomes No 1 , we would snicker and mockingly say them ,"But you haven't played us, we suppose!!!!" And also officially at last we have something we are better than China at. Given the fact that they have started thrashing us in hockey and have taken a liking to learn English as well.

We are the best . Even as I write this , a T.V. channel is going bonkers about this at 12 at midnight. Yes, after we were thrashed in a 20-20 just a couple of days ago , which the captain described as a practice game . How one can regard a game in which he is representing his country at par with a game between Board President XI and Timbuktu XI is of course rather beyond me . Perhaps representing India Cements (CSK) is more Indian for our captain than representing India itself in an admittedly hit-and-giggle format.

But what has been rather surprising for me has been the general surprise and shock that has preceded happiness and satisfaction displayed by Indian media. Reminds me of India playing tests in South Africa in 2007-08. By winning the first test they surprised themselves so much that they promptly ended up losing second and third . As they say , winning is a habit. But as much winning is a habit, losing is also one. It has taken more than a quarter of a century to lose the habit of losing. Losing the habit of winning can be much easier and can be rather swift. Specially when confronted with spiteful Australian and South Africans on their home turf.

But then after all it remains rather debatable that how much importance need be attached to the rankings of a system which until recently ranked Nuwan Kulasekara as No1 ODI bowler, Sri Lanka as No.2 ranked test team , and Gautam Gambhir(though rather good, but....) as No1 test batsman. The same council, recently adjudged on its "All Time Great Bowlers List" that Dale Steyn is No.22 on the list and one highly ineffective , inconsistent bloke called Wasim Akram whose 900 + wickets chiefly consisted of the tailenders only, be rightly placed at 59. The same system on the batting list opines that Mat Hayden be at No.10 and a certain flat track, small ground bully called Sachin Tendulkar be languishing at no.26. If a drunkard like Shane Warne puts him at No1 on his list, lets punish him by throwing him off at no.15 on bowlers list. Is it that important? Blogs like Greatbong or Amit Verma don't even consider it important enough to even post about it. Sections of Indian media has been honking about it and I wrote a post. But then some people are rather less occupied and rather less important.

P.S--- Icc is considering introducing two balls from either end in ODIs thereby effectively eliminating reverse swing as each ball will be maximum 25 overs old. As Dennis Lille once said," Maybe they will ban the yorkers next." But probably, next may be they will ban bowling itself, installing a bowling machine instead which can be adjusted as per to the whims and fancies of ICC.

2009-12-07T19:59:00.000+05:30

(This was written on International Child Abuse Day,19th Nov. Due to my exams , and lack of online facilities, I could not post it earlier.)

I am not supposed to remember this. At least not the date. For somebody who remembers only his own birthday among all the anniversaries of the people related to his life, even I would pinch myself to soreness if I could recall that the International Child Abuse Day falls on 19th of November. As it turned out, I need not pinch myself anyway as I did not find anything different about a rather dull, routine day until I came across a radio broadcast on child abuse. I had my exams starting next day, so I need not listen . I did not need to recall anything either. But I did. Both.

I would not call my experiences a case of child abuse. Actually far from it. To call them child abuse will be severely undermining the pain, humiliation and depression of those who have undergone this most horrific form of self-gratification. But still it left a lasting impression on me. Both the incident and what became of it.

I went to a boarding school in class VII . Now, you don't face abuse in that class. You are still a child, but lets say, you are not child enough. You start developing that bit of a fighter instinct ; growing out of that complaining attitude. And by experience I can tell you that, any child who does not show the same, might just be a case of abuse , direct or indirect. A lot of parents introduce their child as ," Bada sharmila baccha hai ." . Alarmingly so often quietness is used to shroud a self-depreciating and guilt-ridden mindset. Not for nothing in India 1 out of 2 children has been somehow abused and 70% of them never talk about it .

There were a couple of guys in my school- one was called Rana Pratap and other Ashok. What they did to me was nothing more than beating and forcible kissing. But I had never had such experience before and I was as shocked of that as you might be when you read me talking of such treatment in such casual terms. I remember everything as vividly as the back of my hand , but I wouldn't give importance to such people by writing about them. I wouldn't even have taken names, but then I feel that it is simply a way to get back to them. Vague may be, but still, here I go SLAP SLAP SLAP!!!!!

I would not have taken names also, since it is not normal for a child having being treated abnormally to talk about it . But then something happened - the culprits did not get away . It so happened that one day I was humiliated more than Murali has been against Sehwag, having been beaten and was told to do something when I shot back and was told that since I was his wife, I ought to do that. Something broke inside, and at outside , I broke down. Men don't cry, and I was ironically just been reminded by my conscience that I was a man still. Weeping I proceeded toward dining hall, when I was seen by a prefect , Souvik Ghosh. He asked me about and I told him everything including that wife bit. Back in my mind I knew that, kids henceforth will call me as the one jisne apne classmates ko phansa diya . But I wanted to get myself free of trappings of different kind ; the bondage was not comparable , I would say.

That prefect went straight to my class teacher. He was called Mr. Francis. He was rumored to have a slap which could play Walkman in your ears. We had a large hall in which we all used to have our meals but , it was not only Rana Pratap and Ashok who listened to Walkman that noon. The whole hall did; we sitting inside and those two and the teacher playing it outside. . You might call me sadist, but that was the best music I have ever listened to in my life. I was avoided by those two for the rest of my life. Life meant so much more henceforth , a monkey was off my back. It is quite unlikely that you are going to achieve a lot in life with baggage in your mind and monkey on your back. I topped class X in my school and a major share of credit was attributed to those two gentlemen-the prefect and the teacher. I don't support corporal punishment, but such incidents make me think twice.

But everybody doesn't have people like Souvik and Mr. Francis in their lives. More importantly children are generaly abused when they are much younger than I was - incapable of fighting back. Specially, since we Indians are often a bit timid in nature and the best way to solve problems we know is to avoid them . So, that is what a lot of our children do when abused, that is they simply avoid the problem by keeping shut. Child abuse is not that big a problem as children keeping quite about it is. A lot of us treat it as if it is like a ghost, talked about but not believed into. That is so dangerous because that is an attitude we pass on to our kids who since they don't know a think like this exists, think all of this is their own fault. We need to talk ,and if need be , we need to be like Mr. Francis. Otherwise timidness can be a bane ...a dangerous one at that because it can have many layers beneath.